Thursday, 12 August 2010

101 Ways To Avoid Watching A Gameshow

  1. Go to the cinema.
  2. Go to the theatre.
  3. Go to a restaurant.
  4. Hang around in the park.
  5. Stand around on street corners.
  6. Volunteer to hand out laminated leaflets in National Trust properties.
  7. Run a whelk stall.
  8. Get food poisoning and go to hospital.
  9. Fall down the stairs and go to hospital.
  10. Ram a fork into your eye and go to hospital.
  11. Emigrate.
  12. Roll yourself up in clingfilm until sight and hearing are impossible.
  13. Hide in your wheelie bin.
  14. Have a bath.
  15. Have a shower.
  16. Have a shit.
  17. Look at pornography on the internet.
  18. Take antihistamines until you fall asleep.
  19. Become a peeping-tom.
  20. Go on the roof and re-seat loose slates.
  21. Take up ballroom dancing.
  22. Count the leaves in your garden.
  23. Watch a DVD.
  24. Build a sandcastle.
  25. Listen to the radio.
  26. Train a dog to open doors.
  27. Polish all your cutlery.
  28. Bake a really big cake.
  29. Get a do-it-yourself tattoo.
  30. Learn to play the saxophone.
  31. Take your microwave oven apart.
  32. Lick the kitchen floor clean.
  33. Make 350 paper aeroplanes.
  34. Deliberately give yourself paper cuts and then mix whisky sours.
  35. Read about World War 2 on Wikipedia.
  36. Go to Scotland and watch the aurorae.
  37. Label the contents of your house with Post-It Notes.
  38. Rearrange your CD collection in order of the artists' dates of birth.
  39. Go to a nightclub.
  40. Lie down on the pavement and see if anyone offers to help you.
  41. Get very, very drunk and repeat item 40.
  42. Count the number of bricks in your house.
  43. Balance your bank accounts.
  44. Lay down and balance pork pies on your eyes.
  45. Read a book.
  46. Listen to your iPod.
  47. Go through all the pens and pencils that you own, sharpen the pencils and throw out the pens that don't work.
  48. Sort out the kitchen drawers.
  49. Lag some pipes.
  50. See if the Christmas tree lights work.
  51. Drive to Hemel Hempstead.
  52. Go to the pub.
  53. Bake some bread.
  54. Clean your bike and check the tyre pressures.
  55. Wash your car and check the tyre pressures.
  56. Clean the windows.
  57. Bid for something useless on eBay.
  58. Sell some stuff on eBay.
  59. Learn how to use Photoshop.
  60. Edit all your photos, replacing your partner's face with that of Louis Spence.
  61. Mix up a batch of mortar: 5 parts sand to 1 part cement.
  62. Learn the capital cities of the world.
  63. Learn the US state flowers.
  64. Learn to sing the Paraguayan national anthem.
  65. Watercolour painting.
  66. Do 300 push-ups.
  67. Lie down in the garden and count how many planes go over.
  68. Write a sitcom.
  69. Join a convent or a monastery.
  70. Build a treehouse.
  71. Go to the garden centre and order a hot-tub.
  72. Steal some chickens and blame it on the foxes.
  73. Visit your parents.
  74. Visit your sister.
  75. Visit your aunt and uncle.
  76. Visit someone in prison.
  77. Report all your credit and debit cards as stolen.
  78. Throw out those old clothes you never wear.
  79. Drive to your boss's house, ring the doorbell, then run away.
  80. Phone the talking clock and have a lovely conversation.
  81. Stand by your man.
  82. Have a game of darts against an imaginary opponent.
  83. Invent a new cocktail.
  84. Go for a swim at the local pool.
  85. Go for a manicure.
  86. Cut the lawn.
  87. Try to buy some marijuana.
  88. Buy a new pair of slippers.
  89. Find out where the stopcock is.
  90. Change the bed-linen.
  91. Make a mix-tape.
  92. Burn the paint from the wooden window frames.
  93. Play British Bulldog with the kids next door.
  94. Play hide-and-seek with the cat.
  95. Have a huge bonfire.
  96. Steam open someone else's private mail.
  97. Paint your hallway in stripes.
  98. Go for a hot-air balloon ride.
  99. Pretend to be a cowboy and lasoo the dog.
  100. Make a really long, pointless list.
  101. Smash the TV screen in frustration

    Tuesday, 10 August 2010

    One Day

    I've just finished reading One Day by David Nicholls and thought I'd recommend it to you.

    Emma and Dexter meet on 15th July 1988.  For the next twenty-odd years we see snapshots of their friendship, and key scenes in their relationships with others, on the anniversary of that meeting. So each episode takes place on subsequent 15th Julys.

    If you were born in the mid 1960s, or you ever had a friend who you hoped would become a lover, then you'll love this book.  If this doesn't apply to you, you'll still like it.  It's funny, moving, perceptive and deep while still being easy to read.

    The best book I've read for a long, long time.