Sorry I haven't been around much. We've been rehearsing a show; but it's not one that I'm allowed to mention in public because it's so rude that we can't have all-and-sundry turning up to be offended. So - sorry - unless I know that you've got a filthy mind I can't sell you a ticket.
My Mummy
She's not been well, bless her. But she's better now. She must be or she wouldn't be complaining that I never took her chicken soup. But now she's preparing for her stage debut at the weekend. This from a woman who said she'd never set foot on the stage, no way, not in a million years. Good luck!
Pointless Game
Here it is - the most pointless game on the Internet.
Found at Money Saving Expert.
EDIT: Oh, OK then. Here's an example of one of the songs we'll be singing this weekend. Please look away now if you're easily offended. Blame Mary and Allen otherwise! The words are ours; the tune will be recognisable if you've ever seen The Pirates of Penzance:
When a felon's not engaged in fornication,
Or fiddling with a fellow felon's bum,
He can while away the hours with masturbation,
But a policeman's knob is not a happy one.
We are hedged about with tiresome regulation
And uniform too thick to cop a grope;
Inside of which I'm stiff with agitation.
A policeman's knob is throbbing without hope.
Chorus:
Whilst pornographic folk are having fun, having fun
A policeman's knob is not a happy one (happy one).
When the enterprising burglar's not a-bonking,
When the cutthroat isn't occupied with clap,
He loves to be the centre of a threesome,
And thinks himself a lucky little chap.
When the coster's finished jumping on his sisters,
He likes to tan his scrotum in the sun.
And so my sad refrain it kinda lingers;
A policeman's knob is not a happy one.
Or fiddling with a fellow felon's bum,
He can while away the hours with masturbation,
But a policeman's knob is not a happy one.
We are hedged about with tiresome regulation
And uniform too thick to cop a grope;
Inside of which I'm stiff with agitation.
A policeman's knob is throbbing without hope.
Chorus:
Whilst pornographic folk are having fun, having fun
A policeman's knob is not a happy one (happy one).
When the enterprising burglar's not a-bonking,
When the cutthroat isn't occupied with clap,
He loves to be the centre of a threesome,
And thinks himself a lucky little chap.
When the coster's finished jumping on his sisters,
He likes to tan his scrotum in the sun.
And so my sad refrain it kinda lingers;
A policeman's knob is not a happy one.
Lyrics by Graham Botterill, Music by Gilbert (or is it Sullivan - I can never remember!)
5 comments:
I'm offended that you won't offend us. I demand that you offend us with the un-named play's offensuality-ness. After we have been properly offended, then we can rise up in a protest and maybe even burn down a KFC for good measure.
-Allen
Yeah, dude. Now I'm curious as hell. And I think it's safe to assume that anyone reading your blog would have a filthy mind, so spill it!
You're not supposed to TELL everyone about my acting debut!! I'm only thankful that I'm on at the very end and everyone watching will have had enough vino to overlook my performance.
AND....not only no chicken soup but no grapes, either!!!!!!!
The fact that the high score on that "hold the button" game is 6 days seriously concerns me.
I took magazines and Complan. That makes me the best child... :)
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