Number Ones: Part 5 - The Noughties

As I'm forty-one years old in 2 days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today it's the turn of the 2000's. Or the Noughties. Or whatever you call them. I don't think we've reached a consenus on what to call this decade yet, have we?

The defining feature of this decade is that, in the main, we've had more and more songs reaching number one as the average stay at the top shrinks down to only one or two weeks. Though this trend seems to have reversed very recently. Somehow, the fact that downloads are counted in the chart seems to mean we're getting songs at number one for 5 or 6 weeks at a time again.

I've got a horrible feeling that all these songs will either be awful, or I won't recognise them. Let's see what's in store...

2000: Spiller featuring Sophie Ellis-Bextor - "Groovejet (If This Ain't Love)"
August 20 for 1 week

Hooray! A song I know. And like. Yes indeedy. One of the few that would stand a chance of getting me on the dancefloor sober.

2001: Five - "Let's Dance"
August 19 for 2 weeks

Nope. Sorry. Drawn a blank on this one. Which at least is preferable to Bob The Builder who was number one two weeks after my birthday.

2002: Sugababes - "Round Round"
August 18 for 1 week

Errr... Well, I've heard of the group, at least, but the song escapes me.

2003: Blu Cantrell feat. Sean Paul - "Breathe"
August 3 for 4 weeks

Crikey! I've never even heard of "Blu Cantrell". Blu? Is that a real name? Is it related to Blu-Tac in any way?

2004: Natasha Bedingfield - "These Words"
August 22 for 2 weeks

"These Words" presumably being "bugger off and leave us alone, Natasha".

2005: McFly - "I'll Be OK"
August 21 for 1 week

You won't be OK for long if you keep singing your pretend rock/punk pop rubbish at me.

2006: Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean - "Hips Don't Lie"
July 30 for 4 weeks

Shakira. Sexy lady. But a bit thick. No, hips don't lie. Because hips can't speak. Duh!

2007 : Kanye West - "Stronger"
August 19 for 1 week so far

He's been all over the TV and radio in the past couple of weeks to get his first UK number one. And he's done it. Well done Kanye. I still haven't heard the song myself. And it's going to stay that way!

Number Ones: Part 4 - The Nineties

As I'm forty-one years old in a few days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today it's the turn of the 1990's.

This is the decade when, I'm afraid, the singles chart became more or less irrelevant. I've been wracking my memory to recall the last single I bought. it was either "The Race" by Yello or "Headlights On The Parade" by the Blue Nile. And I think they were both in around 1989 or 1990. Since then it's been albums all the way for me. And mostly on CD. I still haven't got around to buying downloads. I think I prefer to have a real "thing" to own, rather than an intangible set of bits and bytes sitting around on my hard-drive.

Right - let's see what the decade had to offer. What tasty morsels did the British music industry serve me up on my birthdays?

1990: Bombalurina with Timmy Mallett - "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"
August 19 for 3 weeks

Argh! No!

1991: Bryan Adams - "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You"
July 7 for 16 weeks

Crikey. That's just as bad.

1992: Snap! - "Rhythm is a Dancer"
August 2 for 6 weeks

Oh, for heaven's sake...

1993: Culture Beat - "Mr Vain"
August 22 for 4 weeks

What? What? Am I going to go the whole decade without a decent song at No.1 on my birthday...?

1994: Wet Wet Wet - "Love Is All Around"
May 29 for 15 weeks

Flipping 'eck. It gets worse!

1995: Blur - "Country House"
August 20 for 2 weeks

Phew! Finally. OK, it's not one of their best, but those lovable pretend cockneys from the posh bit of Essex at least won the "Britpop battle for number one" and stopped those naughty Northern monkeys from Oasis from being no.1 on my birthday.

1996: Spice Girls - "Wannabe"
July 21 for 7 weeks

Now, stop it. A brief respite and now you're off again. I can't believe I actually thought that Posh was the sexy one back then...

1997: Will Smith - "Men in Black"
August 10 for 4 weeks

The Fresh Prince gets totally fresh on some alien butt. Loses musical credibility in the process (if he ever had any... Yeah, "Summertime" was great).

1998: Boyzone - "No Matter What"
August 9 for 3 weeks

Boyzone. Please, please just stop it. Stop it now!

1999: Geri Halliwell - "Mi Chico Latino"
August 22 for 1 week

Right - that's it. Hang on. Which song was this? The only Geri solo number I remember is the one where she was very lithe and toned and rolling around in a speedboat. There might have been dwarves chasing her... Then again, that might just have been my sordid fantasy. Ah, poor Geri. Rubbish songs, but she was quite sexy for a couple of months, until she got too thin.

Is that it? The 1990's are over? Thank heavens. Will the new decade bring any decent new music?

Number Ones: Part 3 - The Eighties

As I'm forty-one years old in a few days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today it's the turn of the 1980's. For me, this was the decade of the biggest changes in my life. At the start, I was in school; by the end of it I was going out with the woman who was to be my first wife.

In the 1980's I discovered music properly, went to university, got chucked out of university, met the first real love of my life, tried auditioning for drama school, got my first full-time job (night-cashier at a petrol station - I was sacked, eventually, for being late too often), and embarked on my current career.

This was the decade that defined me as a person. And, you know, I think I did OK. If I had to go back and talk to my younger self, I think I'd have one or two notes for the silly sod, but mostly I'd be telling him that it would all work out and to carry on enjoying himself and learning as much as he could about people and the world.

If I were to write a dictionary, under "Nostalgia" it would read "See: The 1980's".

1980: David Bowie - "Ashes To Ashes"
August 19 for 2 weeks

Fantastic. We kick off with a bona fide, five star, 24-carat classic. From Scary Monsters and Super Creeps, the entire album is a work of genius. David Bowie is a national institution (why hasn't he been knighted?) and I would forgive him anything - even Tin Machine and having tea with MLYW.

1981: Shakin' Stevens - "Green Door"
July 28 for 4 weeks

Oh, good grief! Read what I wrote about David Bowie and then imagine the exact opposite.

1982: Dexys Midnight Runners and the Emerald Express - "Come on Eileen"
August 3 for 4 weeks

It's taken over 20 years, but I think I'm finally sick of this record. But for those 20 years, this really was a fantastic party song. The slow build up to the final chorus - just enough time to grab some breath before launching yourself into mad, arms-and-legs-everywhere dancing - was a masterstroke. Kevin Rowland is another national institution, for that voice alone.

1983: KC and the Sunshine Band - "Give It Up"
August 9 for 3 weeks

Ironically, the original band had split up in 1981. They really had given it up.

1984: George Michael - "Careless Whisper"
August 14 for 3 weeks

George Michael? One hit wonder. Does anyone know what became of him?

1985: Madonna - "Into the Groove"
July 30 for 4 weeks

Madonna? One hit wonder. Does anyone know what became of her?

1986: Boris Gardiner - "I Want To Wake Up With You"
August 19 for 3 weeks

This song just about rings a bell, but I don't remember it being anything special. At the time my then girlfriend (the lovely Eve) had just returned to the USA, breaking my heart ever so slightly. OK, I confess, I was moping and miserable for about 2 years and I'm sure my friends got sick and tired of me mooching around glumly making plans to run over to San Francisco and whisk her off her feet, but never actually doing anything about it. To their credit, none of them actually said "well why don't you piss off and do it then" but I'm sure they all thought it!

1987: Michael Jackson with Siedah Garrett - "I Just Can't Stop Loving You"
August 11 for 2 weeks

Is it pronounced "Cider" or "Shadeah"? The latter, I would imagine. I've never liked Michael Jackson, even before the Christ complex and the Chris Langham-alike accusations, so this single has completely evaded my memory banks.

1988: Yazz and the Plastic Population - "The Only Way Is Up"
July 31 for 5 weeks

This was a big hit when I started working for Intourist. I remember it well as we went to the pub on the Friday of my first week in their (now defunct) Regent Street office and we saw Yazz herself, presumably refreshing herself after popping into the BBC just up the road. No sign of her plastic population though.

1989: Jive Bunny & the Mastermixers - "Swing The Mood"
July 30 for 5 weeks

Oh, Good Lord. This was the 2nd of 3 number ones for the annoying animated-rabbit/person-in-a-furry-suit in 1989. Who the hell bought these records? I didn't know back then and I still don't know now. The same people who got Mr Blobby or Bob the Builder to the top of the charts, I suppose. The same idiots who got Joe Dolce to pip Ultravox to the pinnacle. Damn! When I was doing my acting course recently we were asked to recall some event which made us angry - an exercise I was unable to complete as I don't really do big emotions; peeved, vexed, annoyed - those I can do. But not 'angry'. If only I'd remembered bloody Jive Bunny at that moment. You'd have seen some sodding acting then, I can tell you!

Number Ones: Part 2 - The Seventies

As I'm forty-one years old in a few days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today it's the turn of the 1970's.

1970: Elvis Presley - "The Wonder of You (Live)"
July 28 for 6 weeks.

Seven years before he died, Elvis was starting to shake off the doldrums of the mid to late 1960s and was entering the Vegas years when he started to revive his credibility. This is one of the most powerful songs of his late era.

1971: Diana Ross - "I'm Still Waiting"
August 17 for 4 weeks.

I can't for the life of me remember how this one goes. I'm afraid Miss Ross has never been a favourite of mine. I'm sure she'd be gutted to know that I spent my fifth birthday totally oblivious to her.

1972: Alice Cooper - "School's Out!"
August 8 for 3 weeks.

This single would become an anthem to a generation of us kids on the last day of the school year. On that occasion we'd sing this as we tore out of the school gates. The other two end-of-terms were greeted with the "no more rulers, no more books" chant which was also incorporated into this song.

1973: Donny Osmond - "Young love"
August 21 for 4 weeks.

I was, I am ashamed to say, a bit of a Donny Osmond fan when I was seven years old. I even had a t-shirt with the toothy Osmond fizzog imprinted thereon. I still wake up in a cold sweat even now.

1974: The Three Degrees - "When Will I See You Again"
August 13 for 2 weeks.

Famously Prince Charles' favourite "pop group". A nice enough song I suppose, though a bit syrupy. Sheila Ferguson, lead singer (or the first degree, I suppose) was the entertainment at a company function I attended a couple of years ago. She was rubbish!

1975: The Stylistics - "I Can't Give You Anything (But My Love)"
August 16 for 3 weeks.

Another song title that I don't recognise. Sorry Stylistics.

1976: Elton John & Kiki Dee - "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
July 24 for 6 weeks.

Ah! Elton and Kiki flirting all through the video (though they weren't called that then) to this record. Would they get together, we thought. Strangely, they never did marry...

1977: Brotherhood of Man - "Angelo"
August 20 for 1 week.

A song which was a complete rip-off (or "fond homage" if the writers' lawyers are reading) of ABBA's Fernando. Oddly, I remember the Barron Knights' spoof of this better than the original. Altogether now: "Long ago, outside a chip shop in Walthamstow..."

1978: The Commodores - "Three Times A Lady"
August 19 for 5 weeks.

This was the song that was played at the end of school and youth-club discos for the next 5 or 6 years. As a hormonally unbalanced teenager the entire evening was spent trying to pluck up the courage to ask the girl you fancied to dance with you to this.

1979: The Boomtown Rats - "I Don't Like Mondays"
July 28 for 4 weeks.

A brilliant song, even before Live Aid came along. I remember learning to DJ when I was in the Reggae Soc at university. For some reason this single used to fit in very well alongside the dub, ska and Smiley Culture records we played.

Number Ones: Part 1 - The Sixties

As I'm forty-one years old in a few days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today I start with the 1960's.

1966: The Beatles - "Yellow Submarine"/"Eleanor Rigby"
August 18 for 4 weeks

They ruled the charts for the whole decade, but they were only ever number one on my birthday once. Eleanor Rigby is a marvellous song. Short and redolent of lost lives with those mournful, stabbing cellos throughout. Yellow Submarine is a silly, sing-a-long for kids. Only The Beatles could have a hit with a kids song and remain cool and relevant, and only they could get away with such a sublime combination of styles on a double A-side. It wouldn't happen today.

1967: Scott McKenzie - "San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair)"
August 9 for 4 weeks

Here's a hit which sums up the state of the world at the time. If you watch a documentary about the 1967 'Summer of Love' you can almost guarantee that this song will be featured in the soundtrack.

1968: Crazy World of Arthur Brown - "Fire"
August 14 for 1 week

Now, Arthur really was a bit crazy! Set himself alight several times performing this number. Not sure what he's up to now, though I know he did sing one of the tracks on the Alan Parson's Project debut, "Tales of Mystery and Imagination".

1969: Rolling Stones - "Honky Tonk Women"
July 23 for 5 weeks

This song has one of the great drumbeat intros. A lazy, laid-back, loping figure which totally gives away Charlie Watt's jazz roots. And it's got a cow-bell in it, yet it's still good to listen to. Mick Taylor changed the arrangement from country to blues and Keith Richards "borrowed" an open-G tuning from Ry Cooder to come up with the distinctive riff. A top song, though many involved with the Stones don't like it.