Sir Alex and Wayne Rooney Come To A Decision...

Sir Alex:            
                             Wayne:

"You like football, don't you?"  

                             "I want to play for that club"
"Manchester United?"            

                             "No! I don't like it!"

101 Ways To Avoid Watching A Gameshow

1. Go to the cinema.
2. Go to the theatre.
3. Go to a restaurant.
4. Hang around in the park.
5. Stand around on street corners.
6. Volunteer to hand out laminated leaflets in National Trust properties.
7. Run a whelk stall.
8. Get food poisoning and go to hospital.
9. Fall down the stairs and go to hospital.
10. Ram a fork into your eye and go to hospital.
11. Emigrate.
12. Roll yourself up in clingfilm until sight and hearing are impossible.
13. Hide in your wheelie bin.
14. Have a bath.
15. Have a shower.
16. Have a shit.
17. Look at pornography on the internet.
18. Take antihistamines until you fall asleep.
19. Become a peeping-tom.
20. Go on the roof and re-seat loose slates.
21. Take up ballroom dancing.
22. Count the leaves in your garden.
23. Watch a DVD.
24. Build a sandcastle.
25. Listen to the radio.
26. Train a dog to open doors.
27. Polish all your cutlery.
28. Bake a really big cake.
29. Get a do-it-yourself tattoo.
30. Learn to play the saxophone.
31. Take your microwave oven apart.
32. Lick the kitchen floor clean.
33. Make 350 paper aeroplanes.
34. Deliberately give yourself paper cuts and then mix whisky sours.
35. Read about World War 2 on Wikipedia.
36. Go to Scotland and watch the aurorae.
37. Label the contents of your house with Post-It Notes.
38. Rearrange your CD collection in order of the artists' dates of birth.
39. Go to a nightclub.
40. Lie down on the pavement and see if anyone offers to help you.
41. Get very, very drunk and repeat item 40.
42. Count the number of bricks in your house.
43. Balance your bank accounts.
44. Lay down and balance pork pies on your eyes.
45. Read a book.
46. Listen to your iPod.
47. Go through all the pens and pencils that you own, sharpen the pencils and throw out the pens that don't work.
48. Sort out the kitchen drawers.
49. Lag some pipes.
50. See if the Christmas tree lights work.
51. Drive to Hemel Hempstead.
52. Go to the pub.
53. Bake some bread.
54. Clean your bike and check the tyre pressures.
55. Wash your car and check the tyre pressures.
56. Clean the windows.
57. Bid for something useless on eBay.
58. Sell some stuff on eBay.
59. Learn how to use Photoshop.
60. Edit all your photos, replacing your partner's face with that of Louis Spence.
61. Mix up a batch of mortar: 5 parts sand to 1 part cement.
62. Learn the capital cities of the world.
63. Learn the US state flowers.
64. Learn to sing the Paraguayan national anthem.
65. Watercolour painting.
66. Do 300 push-ups.
67. Lie down in the garden and count how many planes go over.
68. Write a sitcom.
69. Join a convent or a monastery.
70. Build a treehouse.
71. Go to the garden centre and order a hot-tub.
72. Steal some chickens and blame it on the foxes.
73. Visit your parents.
74. Visit your sister.
75. Visit your aunt and uncle.
76. Visit someone in prison.
77. Report all your credit and debit cards as stolen.
78. Throw out those old clothes you never wear.
79. Drive to your boss's house, ring the doorbell, then run away.
80. Phone the talking clock and have a lovely conversation.
81. Stand by your man.
82. Have a game of darts against an imaginary opponent.
83. Invent a new cocktail.
84. Go for a swim at the local pool.
85. Go for a manicure.
86. Cut the lawn.
87. Try to buy some marijuana.
88. Buy a new pair of slippers.
89. Find out where the stopcock is.
90. Change the bed-linen.
91. Make a mix-tape.
92. Burn the paint from the wooden window frames.
93. Play British Bulldog with the kids next door.
94. Play hide-and-seek with the cat.
95. Have a huge bonfire.
96. Steam open someone else's private mail.
97. Paint your hallway in stripes.
98. Go for a hot-air balloon ride.
99. Pretend to be a cowboy and lasoo the dog.
100. Make a really long, pointless list.
101. Smash the TV screen in frustration

Eine Kleine Match Music

With a slight sense of shame, I've enjoyed the German performances at this year's World Cup. With the obvious exceptions of their rather lacklustre defeat to Spain last night, and, of course, their win against England, which was somehow both comprehensive and a bit lucky.

In tribute to them, and to Danny Baker's recent "what can't you help saying/thinking when the commentator mentions a player's name" (i.e. Emerton becomes "Emerton, Lake & Palmer") here are a selection of German footballers who may feature in rock songs.

• Phillip Lahm Lies Down On Broadway
• Per Mertesacker Emptiness
• Miroslav Klose To The Edge
• Stefan Kiessling In The USA
• The Eye of the Schweinsteiger

Feel free to join in. Or not!

Parp!

A friend came home from South Africa recently. He told me that he'd caught herpes from a vuvuzela. He's dyslexic though, so it was probably a zulu vulva.

Recession Pointers

I haven't purchased anything from Amazon in nearly 2 months! I think my account may have healed over...

Knock On Wood

Apparently CERN will soon be switching on their Large Hardon Collider, in an effort to investigate conditions a billionth of a second after the Big Bang.

I'm at a loss as to how knocking hard-ons together will tell us anything about the early universe. I'm sure it's a pleasurable activity for chaps of a gay persuasion (and maybe others), but surely has little to do with particle physics.

Some people have suggested that the machine might cause a black hole to come into being which will suck the universe into oblivion. I can't see that happening, unless it's just some sort of innuendo.

So, assuming that the LHC does involve men banging their tent pegs together, perhaps someone could suggest what CERN stands for?

Ch-ch-ch-changes

I've started my new job. A four-month contract (with a, fingers-crossed, possible extension for another 3 months, if I'm a good boy). I shouldn't really mention where, but sock puppets might give you a clue in the UK...

It's a completely different environment to my last job. Busy, but a relaxed busy, if that makes sense. And with none of the excessive rules, regulations and paranoia that I had to put up with before.

My previous employer's policies were, to say the least, a bit over-the-top. If one needed to claim expenses for a business lunch (say a £2 sandwich from Tesco) or a taxi journey, the expense form had to be signed in blood and counter-signed by my team leader, the IT Director, UK Finance Director, EMEA Head Of Mergers and Acquisitions, Worldwide CEO, The Pope and King Harald V of Norway. The recent papal interregnum caused a 3-month holdup in petty-cash claims.

Any requests for additional IT access or resources were even harder to achieve, and were often turned down by George W Bush, despite the approval of Congress!

In contrast, my new employer is much easier to work with. Today, after only 24 hours on site, I needed to request access to a service which could enable to me to shutdown the entire infrastructure of the corporation, plus, potentially, large chunks of the whole Internet. The request was written in pencil on a Post-It note and stuck onto the monitor of a junior member of the PC support team. He wandered over 10 minutes later to tell me that he'd actioned my request and additionally given me the ability to manipulate the German stock market, control Sizewell-B power station, administer all the blogs on Blogger and fix the results of next week's edition of 'Dancing On Ice' . "Just in case it comes in handy", he said, "but do be careful you don't break anything".

So, I'm writing this post from my new office and wondering what that new button is on the Blogger edit page. I wonder what happens if I pre------
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Damn you, Darwin

Thanks a bunch John Darwin!

I was all set to 'disappear', leaving the shattered remnants of my canoe burning by the shores of the King George V reservoir - as illustrated below.



But the news of the past few days has meant that it's now not feasible for MLYW and I to live quietly off the life insurance money now. We're going to have to look for another 'get rich quick' scheme...

Still, it only goes to show: You can't have your kayak and heat it !

Ker-ching! I thank you!

Pedalphile

Here's a story about a man who was "caught having sex with his bicycle".

Now, the obvious questions are WHAT? and WHY?

But I want to put those aside for one moment as I'm not exactly sure why the poor guy has been convicted of a crime.

I'm no lawyer, but I'm pretty sure that it's not an offence, per se, to have sex with a bicycle. OK, the bike is unable to give its consent, but then, as it's not a sentient being, who cares? And I would imagine that age of consent doesn't come into the equation.

No. He was actually convicted of "a sexually aggravated breach of the peace by conducting himself in a disorderly manner and simulating sex". Hmmm...

Now, I'm not usually one to moan about erosion of our personal freedom, but this really takes the biscuit for me. It would appear that if you do something in the privacy of your own locked room, that isn't in any way illegal, but someone walks into that room and takes offence, then you've committed a crime.

It seems to me that it's only the fact that the poor bastard was sad and desperate (and drunk) enough to be getting it on with his velocipede that was an issue. A "breach of the peace". Errr, no. He was doing what he was doing in private, without anyone's knowledge. Presumably, if he'd been entertaining a lady-friend (or Madam Palm and Her Five Daughters) the two cleaners who walked in would have just apologised and walked out without causing a fuss.

Glasgow, it seems, is intolerant of sexual kinks. It's not enough that the man has to bear the shame and ignominy of knowing that wherever he goes people will call him "saddle-shagger" behind his back.

Of course not. The Sheriff of Glasgow has ordered him to be put on the sexual offenders register. How utterly ridiculous! What purpose does this serve? Nobody needs protecting from this man. He's harmless to people. And there's no evidence that he goes around defiling the cycles of all and sundry, hanging around the bike-racks at the central railway station, is there?

What a silly, heavy-handed waste of time and money. I feel sorry for the poor sod.

Right - I'm off to fiddle with my pump and polish my helmet...

It's The Real Thing

I recently found this page of Coca-Cola advertising slogans down the years. Coke is regularly held up to be a leading light in advertising trends, so I thought we should take a look at some of their successes and failures...

1886: Drink Coca-Cola

This is how advertising should be. "Smoke tabs; Eat chips; Drink beer". They just tell you what to do. People were easily led in those days.

1900: For headache and exhaustion, drink Coca-Cola

I'd rather not be headachey and tired, thanks very much.

1904: Coca-Cola is a delightful, palatable, healthful beverage

Not so much an advertising slogan as a hastily prepared defence against FDA charges.

1905: Drink a bottle of carbonated Coca-Cola

Oh, it's all gone wrong here. They've remembered the direct simplicity of the first slogan, but then they've overcomplicated it. No rhythm; it's not snappy. And if you have the word "carbonated" in your strap-line you've gone seriously wrong.

1905: The favorite drink for ladies when thirsty, weary, and despondent

This is one of my favourites. Yes, it cures thirstiness, of course. It's a drink, isn't it?! I think most drinks would cure thirstiness, except perhaps brine. Weariness - well, it cures that too due to its fizzy sparkle, sugar, cocaine and other ingerdients. But despondency? And it's despondent women who are targeted in particular.

1908: Sparkling - harmless as water, and crisp as frost

Huh?

1908: The satisfactory beverage

Oh dear. The advertising copywriter was having a bad day when he came up with this one. His boss must have been livid. He's been asked to come up with a line to sell Coca-Cola to potential purchasers. What could he have come up with? "The fantastic beverage"? "The stupendous beverage". "The superb beverage". But no. "Satisfactory". Bllimey - why didn't he just say "mundane", "ordinary" or "tolerable" instead - it would amount to the same thing.

1909: Whenever you see an arrow think of Coca-Cola

Errr... What? I'm not quite sure if this is aimed at Native Americans or just archers in general. Either way, it would be most off-putting when drawing back the bowstring.

1914: Nicknames encourage substitutions

Now this is just getting silly.

1925: Stop at the red sign and refresh yourself

A bit impractical this one. It could lead to people trying to buy drinks from their local post office or fire station.

1934: Ice-cold Coca-Cola is everywhere else - it ought to be in your family refrigerator

Woah! The fridge door is open and all the Coca-Cola has escaped. Quickly - round it up and get it back in there...

1934: When it's hard to get started, Start with a Coca-Cola

OK let's analyze this. It's hard to get started. So start with a Coca-Cola. But it's hard to get started, so how do you drink the Coke? Is this one of those Zen riddles designed to make you think about how the world works?

1942: Wherever you are, whatever you do, wherever you may be, when you think refreshment, think ice-cold Coca-Cola

Too long. You wouldn't remember it all. It's the total opposite of 'snappy'. And it reminds me of that song, 'Together'.

1960: Relax with Coke 1960: Revive with Coke

So in 1960 they really couldn't decide if Coke was relaxing or stimulating. Apparently both at the same time. Which really means that it mus be neither and any effect it has on you must simply be psychosomatic and influenced by advertising.

1966: Coke...after Coke...after Coke

No. Stop. No more Coke. What is this? Some sort of torture. I'm going to burst!

1971: I'd like to buy the world a Coke

The world. One coke. 4 billion people (or however many it was 36 years ago). Well, that's very cheap of you. Unless it's a very, very big bottle.

1976: Coke adds life

Is it an urban myth that this slogan was translated into Mandarin for use in China, but it came out as "Coke brings your relatives back from the dead"? I'm sure I read it at the time, so it must be true.

Fountain of Youth

I saw a very interesting headline on the BBC News website today.

It said: Cocaine users 'getting younger'.

That's miraculous! Now I'm the wrong side of forty I am getting more interested in products which can make me look more youthful. If it can make you younger, maybe we should all give cocaine a try? After all, the Victorians used it ("Can't beat the feeling"!) and they invented the telephone, light bulbs and chocolate Easter eggs.

Cocaine costs from £30 - £50 per gram (according to the BBC - my dealer's cheaper than that, but then, I'm not in TV!) which is cheaper than Botox at about £200 per shot (according to MLYW, and she should know).

Then again, a tube of Clarins Multi Active Night Cream Prevention Plus is only £37 for 50g, which is a lot cheaper, but much harder to snort up through a £50 note...

Bo Selecter

It appears that Bo Diddley is very ill.

It won't be long before he's Bo Deadly... Let us honour him by singing his greatest hits. Altogether now:

"chng-a-chng-a-chng, a-chng-chng,
chng-a-chng-a-chng, a-chng-chng,
chng-a-chng-a-chng, a-chng-chng,
chng-a-chng-a-chng, a-chng-chng"

And THAT's Magic!

To the Guinness Storehouse in Dublin a couple of days ago. An excellent interactive museum-y thing which was great fun to look around. And a free pint of the black stuff in the Gravity Bar at the end, with fantastic views around Dublin to the Wicklow Mountains.

However... The signage at the entrance to the exhibition invites you to enter and marvel at how Guinness stout is made by "the magic of fermentation".

Fermentation is magic is it? I could have sworn it was simple chemistry. And it must be because there was no mention of Arthur Guinness' magic wand at any stage of the tour.

Magic, my arse. But it was a great pint!

Soul Rollers

Well, we've chosen the colour that we are going to paint our living room. It's a lovely shade from the Fallow & Bell range of colours based upon popular soul and R&B singers.

The main colour we've chosen is Al Green. Here are some of the other paint colours available:

James Brown
Alexander Eau De Nil
Otis Reddish
Marvin Graye
Luther van Gloss
Reddie Floyd
Jamiraquamarine
Corinne Beigey Rae
Diana Russet

Barry White

There's another soul colour hidden somewhere in this post. First to find it wins a match-pot...