Me Bad Boy

Yes, I was very bad today.

The past few weeks I've been going down to the local Top Golf driving range. My pa, ma and sister introduced me to it.

I've played a few rounds of golf with friends before, but as I've never had a lesson I tend to lose a dozen balls before I get to the 4th tee. Golf therefore becomes just a long walk carrying a heavy bag of ironmongery.

But this Top Golf thing really makes practising your swing much more interesting. A couple of quid for 20 balls and when you hit one of the large (20 yards across) targets on the range you get points depending upon how accurate you are.

After a few weeks I was going down there on my own and playing 4 or 5 games (~100 balls) and getting more accurate all the time.

So (finally getting to the point) today I went and bought a set of clubs for myself. Yes, I know. I've got no money!

OK - they only cost £99.99. They're probably not the world's best clubs - but they're 100 times better than the old tin ones I had from Argos about 10 years ago. And when I managed to hit 8 or 10 balls around 250 yards, with the big driver, and pretty straight too, I thought that it wasn't a bad investment.

[Damn! I used to take the piss out of my boss for being a big golf fanatic. Arse!]

But - I really don't have money so I'm doing the sensible thing and selling a bunch of stuff I don't need anymore.

First, my archery gear. If my old scorebook is anything to go by I haven't shot for 5 years. I do still love the sport, but the acting and directing takes up all my time so all those times I keep saying "I really must rejoin Woking Archery Club and get shooring again" is just wishful thinking.

So down to Quicks with all my gear. My old mates Peter and Brenda work there on Saturdays. Peter runs the thriving second-hand business for my old club, so I'm sure that he'll be able to sell on my kit to someone who will make more use of it than I have.

Secondly, I've had a bunch of scuba diving gear which was used extensively on my first honeymoon, five and a half years ago, and only once more since then, about 3 years ago. So that's come out of the garage and will be out on eBay, just as soon as I'm sure it's not all been nibbled by mice.

Really, there's no reason to have warm-weather dive gear in this country. Dry-suits are what you need. And it costs a bomb to take your own gear abroad. So I'll just keep my PADI certificate and mask and fins and borrow everything else from the dive shop next time I go.

Wordyrappinghood.

Inspired by the BBC's new Balderdash and Piffle show, I thought I'd share some new word meanings which have yet to find their way into the OED.

Irony: (adj.) The warm feeling of a nice, crisp, freshly ironed item of clothing. "Hmmm... I was freezing, but this shirt's nice and irony."

Shanty: (n.) A song which is only sung after drinking enough beer and lemonade.

Cahoot: (adj.) The call of an owl with hiccups.

Replica: (n. rare) One who slobbers on a travelling salesman, or "Rep". By extension, a prostitute or escort.

Gravitas: (adj.) The state of a person's bottom when they haven't been to the gym for several months.

Pander: (v.) To receive money from someone who wants to have sex with your large black and white Chinese bear.

Tacky: (adj.) Similar to a nail or pin.

Welfare: (n.) The price of a bus ticket to the well.

Refugee: (n.) One who hides in the dressing-room after a match because they turned down a perfectly good appeal for a penalty.

Bustard: (n.) A small bird with no father.

Help Wanted -- Enquire Without

If you're a regular reader here (or if you've just stumbled onto this post by mistake) please can you do me one HUGE favour.

Nip over to my other blog (that's right, just here) and take a look at the poster designs. Then use the comment system there (not here) to let me know which poster you prefer - the one which makes the most impact.

Market research such as this could add an extra 5%-10% onto our audience figures come June!

Thanks for voting!

Tesco Writes Back

Tesco have replied to the email I sent them in complaint about the events which I outlined yesterday.

Here's what they say:

I was concerned to learn that you and your wife were approached by our Security Guard due to your wife having her hood up. Please accept our apologies for any upset and annoyance caused.

I have spoken with staff at store who have informed me that this rule was brought in some time ago, due to problems the store encountered with the young community whom most of them were 'hoodies'.

As it is a problem trying to detect these unworthy customers due to the hoods, the store put this rule in order. Although it is not a policy and is not displayed in our store, they do have the right to refuse entry to anyone they feel are not genuine customer. However, we expect our staff to use their initiative as the decision is down to the Security Department.

Please be assured that your comments will be passed to our Store Manager who will be asked to discuss this matter further with his Security Department.

I suppose that we've got to be happy with that. They've apologised and they've explained themselves and they've promised to talk to their security staff. And they replied promptly, which left me a little non-plussed.

That said, I'm amazed that they can't tell the difference between a crowd of hoodie-clad, chav troublemakers, and married couple in their 30s (or a five-year old, as evidenced by Delmonti's comment).

If You Want To Get Ahead...

The other day The Wife and I went to the supermarket. She was wearing a hooded top and as it was pouring with rain and freezing cold she had the hood up.

As we entered Tesco we were approached by a security guard who told us she had to take her hood down. We tried to ask why but we were just told "it was the new rules". There are no signs up to tell anyone about these new rules.

While we did our shopping it was infuriating to count the number of people who were wearing baseball caps, stocking caps, ski hats, trilbies, head-scarves, turbans, etc, etc. Does this head-covering moritorium only apply to my wife? Or just people in "hoodies"? Or just women?

Is Tesco's new anti-hoodie rule something for my local Addlestone branch? Or is it nationwide? Either way, why are there no signs or publicity about this ludicrous rule?

I intend to write to the supermarket chain to get to the bottom of this affair.

In other news, an elderly gent was told to remove his trilby in a city-centre pub, in Hereford.
The BBC seem to want to satirize this, and the news that Arnold Scwarzenegger shouldn't be riding a motorbike. The front page of their news site today appears to show Arnie in a fetching hat himself. Just take a look:

Do Your Duty

When you've finished looking at the Internet for the day, please remember to rewind it before you log-off. It's only fair for everyone else, you know.