Tuesday, 30 September 2008

F!*£&^! Part 2

Did you know that "BRITISH GAS" is an anagram of "THIEVING SCUM"?

EDIT: Ah! They've given it back now. But they haven't admitted they were wrong...


Did you know that "ALLIANCE AND LEICESTER" is an anagram for "LYING ROBBING BASTARDS"?

EDIT: Ah! They've given it back now. But they haven't admitted they were wrong...

Thursday, 25 September 2008

Global Warming - More Bad News

I've been worried about mankind's negative effects on the planet for quite a while now, but it looks as if the damage is not confined to the Earth. The decades of pollution, CO2 emissions and farting cattle have now caused irreperable damage to the solar wind.

This is undoubtedly due to the number of satellites, space shuttles and other space debris which we are sending up into the rest of the solar system.

We should stop polluting our space environment before the noxious cloud of ozone heads off towards Mars and kills any of the organisms which are waiting there to evolve into sentient beings.

Wednesday, 17 September 2008

I Want To Know #1

Who was Camp David, and why did they name a presidential compound after him?

Tuesday, 16 September 2008


Oy! Does it ever stop? Things are the same as they were last time I posted, 10 days ago (for shame!). I managed to get the posters and flyers done, in the nick of time. Only I now have to get the Festival souvenir programme produced. By the end of this week. I've managed to put together pages 1-17; only 23 more to go, with tonight and tomorrow night to do it in... Argh!

I think I will have to talk to the Woking Drama Association about whether I will be able to carry on in this role of publicity officer. It's taking up a lot more time than I'd anticipated and when I'm rehearsing a play I need all the spare time I can get - when I walk through the front door I have to show MLYW some identification so she knows that it's me.

Of course, if there was a way to do all this and get paid for it, so that I didn't have to go to the office...

Friday, 5 September 2008


Life is insanely busy at the moment; to the point where I come to work for a nice rest, even though it's far from relaxing in the office. I'm 2 or 3 weeks behind in my TV viewing habits - and I need my fix from McNulty, Omar, Bubbles and the rest of The Wire gang to get through my week.

So what's been going on, I hear you murmer, disinterestedly.

Well, I've been directing a play (All In The Timing by David Ives) as the Ottershaw Players' entry for the Woking Drama Festival. Our performance night is set for Tues Oct 7th, so it would be great if people would come along to watch and support us.

Additionally, I've been designing posters and flyers for the drama festival, in my capacity as the publicity officer for Woking Drama Association. And I've got the festival souvenir programme to put together in the next week or so... Now, how did I get talked into doing this?

Also, in the past week we've had auditions for OP's production of Oliver Twist, which will be performed in early December. I'd have loved to have got the part of Fagin, and was apparently a whisker away from it, but in the end I landed the part of Mr Bumble. Ah, comic relief again! Never mind, it's a decent part, and I won't have to learn as many lines...

Wednesday, 3 September 2008

Knock On Wood

Apparently CERN will soon be switching on their Large Hardon Collider, in an effort to investigate conditions a billionth of a second after the Big Bang.

I'm at a loss as to how knocking hard-ons together will tell us anything about the early universe. I'm sure it's a pleasurable activity for chaps of a gay persuasion (and maybe others), but surely has little to do with particle physics.

Some people have suggested that the machine might cause a black hole to come into being which will suck the universe into oblivion. I can't see that happening, unless it's just some sort of innuendo.

So, assuming that the LHC does involve men banging their tent pegs together, perhaps someone could suggest what CERN stands for?

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Pulling The Wings Over Our Eyes

I've just returned from a lunchtime sojurn to the local branch of Waterstones; purveyors of fine books to the gentry. While looking for a copy of Rogue Herries by Hugh Walpole, I came across a whole shelf full of books which were labelled as "Angel Studies".

Yes. That's right. "Angel Studies". Now, this annoys me on many levels [a statement which will not surprise those of you who know me].

This branch of Waterstones carries more books about the study of angels than it does on plays and theatre. Presumably there is some economic logic behind this decision. I can only assume that the majority of Andover residents are more interested in the lives, loves, habits and anatomy of fictional, non-corporeal beings than they are in the more tangible theatre arts, which many would argue have a measurably beneficial effect on people.

This is hardly surprising - from what I see on my luncthime wanders through Andover town centre, most of its residents are too sick, or too fat, to walk on their own two feet and have to rely upon the horrifyingly ubiquitous "mobility scooter" to get from the dole office to MacDonalds. So, unable to squeeze into theatres and confronted by their obese mortalities, belief in angels is presumably a beacon of hope for the local population. Evidently, the lard-arses think, Gabriel or Metatron are bound to stop whatever important tasks they are currently involved in (polishing harps, chatting-up cherubs, picking fights with the seraphim) and whizz down to Hampshire to magically whisper this week's winning lottery numbers into the ear of a fat fop who can then pay for a new gold-plated charity chav-chariot.

Or maybe I'm being a little unfair. Maybe angels are actually a perfectly valid area of academic study. After all, according to the flap of the book which I examined, the author was holder of the post of Professor of Angel Studies at a UK university. Unfortunately, I was unable to take note of exactly which UK university as at that point I had dropped the book in shock and reeled, vomiting with horror, out of the shop.

Just let that sink in, for a moment. There is a university somewhere in this country which pays someone to pretend to be an expert in a non-existent being. And this is not a religious job; from the (admittedly brief) information I was able to ingest this study of angels is the sort of wishy-washy, airy-fairy branches of study of 'spirituality'. A foul-smelling and meaningless catch-all umbrella designed to cover every area vague New Age rubbish: dream-catchers, tarot cards, dream analysis, ear candles, aura cleansing, etc, etc.

While I'm pretty much an atheist, I understand why people are convinced by religion, but none of these angel things are really based on any long-established religious beliefs. They just cobble together Christian and Muslim tradition, apocryphal tales and New Age made-up nonsense to peddle false hope to the credulous.

These books on Angels claim that you will be able to "summon" various beings (12 of them, according to the book that I was sick on) who are able to help you. [Why only 12? And why do they have specific jobs? And why do you have to tape-record special incantations to summon them, while surrounding yourself with very specific crystals and minerals depending upon which winged-beastie you will be conjuring up? Why? Well, we know why. Because it's bollocks, that's why].

Part of me doesn't begrudge that people actually make a living out of peddling this nonsense. If you're stupid enough to believe in angels, mediums, psychics, tarot, crystals, etc, etc, then feel free to give your money to the charlatans. But it angers me that universities, night schools, community colleges, etc, employ these people and refer to them as 'experts'. Some time ago I was looking for an evening class to improve either my photography or my guitar playing. I couldn't find a local one that was suitable, but I was able to find dozens of courses which would teach me about angels. And all this in an age where scientific research in this country is severely under-funded and factual knowledge is somehow seen to be 'geeky' and 'sad'.

Perhaps I could get Archangel Michael to teach me the rudiments of acoustic delta blues guitar playing...?