Roll Up!

It's time for me to bug you with more requests to empty your pockets.
Yes, the Box Office is now open for Habeas Corpus, the play that I am directing.
If you can't be arsed to follow the links all the information you need is below. Rehearsals are shaping up very well indeed - all the cast are up for it and I think that the final results are going to be hilarious. I hope that you will come along and see the show - it should be very enjoyable.

Ottershaw Players present

Habeas Corpus

An hilarious farce by
Alan Bennett
(The History Boys, The Madness of King George, Talking Heads, Beyond The Fringe)

Rhoda McGaw Theatre, Peacock Centre, Woking, Surrey.

7th - 10th June, 2006 at 7.45pm

Tickets £9
(£7 concessions)

Phone: 01932 702091
Email: boxoffice@ottershawplayers.co.uk.

Cor. Luvverly!

While we were staying with Martin and Tracey last weekend, we had lunch at the Globe & Rainbow in Kilndown. Fantastic food. I had liver. I love liver.

It's odd though. Loads of people detest liver. Jon spent most of the meal making gagging noises because he had to sit next to me. But I really like it. The best meal I've ever had was goose liver - on the 87th floor (I think) of the Jinmao Tower, Shanghai. Fantastic.

I also love Marmite. Which is on a lot of peoples' hate list.

But I can't stand various things that most people seem to love:

• Tomatoes.
• Broccoli.
• Coronation Street.

I like spinach, green beans and mange-tout. I can't stand peas. What's that all about?


I don't like scraping the bottom of the barrel. But it seems that's what I'm doing with this post!

Easter Weak End

Four days off work. Yippee!

So why do I feel as knackered now as I did on Thursday? Let's examine the evidence...

Thursday evening: off to Kent to spend the evening with Jon and Martin at the pub quiz. We came 2nd! I drank 3 whole pints of beer (count them) and that's enough to get me pissed nowadays.

Friday: Stayed over at Martin and Tracey's in the very dark and quiet village of Kilndown and spent the day larking about with them, their kids Wills and Hattie, and with Jon & Lin and their new arrival, Emma.

[OK - she's not that new; she's a year old: but it's taken us FAR too long to get down there for a visit.]

Friday night: back in time to watch Sunderland hand the league champonship to Chelsea by holding United to a 0-0 draw. Bloody Mackems!

Saturday: Up early (ish) for a bike ride. 14 miles to Staines and back. But I did stop for an ice-cream at Penton Hook lock. Then back to do my accounts and get showered before The Wife's parents arrived for dinner.

Sunday: Nothing to do. A long lie-in. Spoiled by a support call from work at 6am. Balls! Then lunch at The Castle.

Sunday afternoon: a long drive in the countryside. It's official - I'm now an old man. My trilby and sticky-out ears are on order from Saga.

Monday: Up early (ish) again for another long bike ride. 23 miles this time, to Kingston and back. Walking like John Wayne for the rest of the day. Then round to mater and pater's for a spot of luncheon. Then back home to spend too much time updating the family-tree again.

Today: back to work. Bum!

Confused?

Back in the 1970s (I think it was) Helen Reddy sang:

"I am Woman, hear me roar."

I think she was getting confused with lions.

Famblies

Nan

I wrote about my Nan the other day. Unfortunately, she died two days later. I guess it was a blessing/release (and all those other platitudes we use to try to stop ourselves feeling upset). She turned out to have been a great deal sicker than anybody suspected when she went into hospital. And I know that we all have to go sometime, but I still think I'd prefer to pop off in my sleep, with no idea that I was even unwell.

Nan was a kind, generous person and we're all going to miss her.

Trees

The events of the past few days inspired me to start recording some family history. Nothing complicated (I thought at the time), just a record of who was who, when they were born, etc.

But our family is nothing if not complex (as, I suspect, is everyone's once you peel back the years).

I've already had an account setup at GenesReunited.co.uk - a site which you can use to record your family tree - so I logged in and started updating what was there and adding various grandparents, etc.

Trouble is, it's an addictive pastime. I seem to have spent most of my spare time over the past 3 days registering for various websites which hold census, birth, marriage and death records and scouring them for pertinent information. And the deeper you go the more you want to find out.

It really is an absorbing activity and I can understand why there's been such a surge of interest in genealogy in recent years. Nostalgia as a whole seems to be big business - and I'm not immune; I've ordered some books and software from Amazon to use when I get more time.

Mum commented that if I carried on at this rate there might be another divorce to add to the family tree, so I think I'll give it a rest for a bit and get into it again when I've finished directing Habeas Corpus.

Pedal Power

Training for the Thames Bridges Bike Ride continues apace.

Saturday afternoon was a lovely day, so I decided to go for a ride along the Thames towpath. My aim was to get to 6 or 7 miles before turning back.


In the end, I managed over 9 miles, before realising that this meant a round-trip of nearly 19 miles! But this mean that I did get to lovely Hampton Court Palace - with only 1 stop too!


Once at the palace, time for a quick lie-down on the grass bank overlooking the river. Very relaxing. Until I realised I was laying very close to a pile of dogshit. Yuck. So I moved and relaxed again for 10 minutes.


Heading back, the saddle sores started pinching and I realised I was riding into a strong-ish headwind. No wonder the ride out was so easy!

I also learned a lesson. Take money when you go cycling. I passed 3 pubs and 2 ice-cream vans, on a lovely warm day, while I was exercising, and I have no water bottle on the bike! I was gasping for a drink!

Never mind. A couple of stops on the way back, including a relaxing sit-down on a bench at Walton Reach, just by the temporary bridge which has been there for 40-odd years.


It made me feel good and happy that my training is back on schedule.

Photos taken on my phone - hence the shoddy quality.

Sadness & Guilt

My Nan's in hospital. Very ill. My Dad rang earlier because the doctors don't think she will last more than two or three more days.

She's been there 3 or 4 or 5 weeks - originally just a 'bad back', but that turned into a kidney problem and then they had her in a cardiac monitoring unit.

That was at least 2 weeks ago (or was it 3 - shit, the time goes past too quickly) and now I feel guilty as fuck. I was supposed to visit her the other week and I didn't make the time to do it.

After that, I thought she'd come out and was getting better. I heard that my aunt and uncle were around and the plan was to take Nan down to their home in Gloucestershire.

But I obviously got that wrong. And I never asked how she was. And nobody told me she was still in Kingston Hospital, deteriorating.

Fuck.

I hate sickness and death and hospitals, but I know I should do my duty and I will go and visit her tomorrow after work and I can only hope that it's not too late.

I love you Nan.

No More Whingeing!

Jobs

Yesterday's post was a little bit moany, wasn't it?

Though, thanks to Delmonti-man, I've made £500 from selling our office's Xerox machine on eBay.

Anyway, I've already applied for a new job. Less than 10 miles from home. Actually, it's about 3 or 4 miles from home, so that will be nice - if I get it.

One of the main criteria in the job spec was that the applicant should be able to speak Korean.

Is that a clue to the employer?

The agency said it wasn't absolutely necessary - which is a relief.

Bikes

The Thames Bridges Bike Ride is now only just over a month away. Eek!

Considering the amount of money which has been pledged on my completing the event, I'd better make sure I'm in shape for it.

I had deliberately waited until BST kicked-in before starting to train properly (not wanting to get squished by a truck in the dark, or anything). So on Saturday I managed a grand total of SEVEN (count them!) miles. And I had to stop twice to allow my jelly-quivering calves to recover.

{Next time I'll leave the trailer full of baby cattle at home; it'll be far less effort.]

Bear in mind that this Thames Bridges ride is 34 miles. I need to go 5 times further than on Saturday, and without stopping every two-and-a-half miles!

Tonight I'm aiming for 10 miles without any stops.

And if Dave ("The Silver Fox") Estall is reading this - Stop laughing, you sod!

Update:

Hooray! I managed:

10.2 miles in 51 mins 20 secs.
Ave speed 11 m.p.h.
Top speed 25 m.p.h.
Calories burned 221 (apparently).

My new bike computer is great! If only it could pedal for me too...

Oh, and I only stopped once - after about 5 miles. If you don't count having to push the bike up Brooklands Hill (it's a steep one!).

Now, if I can just do something like that, 3 times a week, one or two miles further each time, for the next 5 weeks - I should be ready.

Sulking

Yes, I am sulking today.

We had one-to-one phone conferences with our line manager today to tell us the outcome of our pay reviews. The upshot was - I'm not getting a pay rise.

After four years working here, I've had one pay rise. Which means that next April, I'll have been here for 5 years and only had any sort of recognition (i.e. more money) once. That pay increase was just around the level of inflation (3.5%).

I applied for my job when it was based in Reading. Now, I'm based another 25 miles further away. Which is around £25 per week in extra petrol alone. All in all, I reckon I'm now over £200 per month worse off (in real terms) than when I started this job back in April 2002.

[That's £100 for travelling and about £100 as wages have not kept pace with inflation.]

The mixed signals from management don't help:

My first two years in this job I had excellent appraisals - but I didn't get a pay rise. Year 3 was really tough and I was getting pissed-off at the lack of recognition, so my performance dipped - and I got a pay rise!

What's the message here? The company that I work for values mediocrity over excellence - that's the only assumption I can make.

So this year, I've just coasted. If my colleagues are reading this, I can only apologise, but we all know it's true. I just don't care anymore. So was my mediocrity rewarded? Was it buggery! Another year without a pay rise. Result - I now care even less than I did yesterday.

I think I need a new job. With a company that gives a toss. And less than 10 miles from home.

Wish me luck...

Hold it! Flash, Bang, Wallop!

I was reading a photography magazine the other day and was struck by how much processing gets done to pictures after they've been taken. But the article gave some great tips on how to do the same things to your own photos.

So I decided to have a go with a few of my own pictures - and took the liberty of playing with a couple that I found on my Mum's Flickr Photostream.

I was amazed at how easy it was. Most magazines tell you how to achieve results using Adobe Photoshop. But that's far too expensive for my wallet and I've always found that there are plenty of ways of achieving more or less the same effects in JASC's Paint Shop Pro for much less money (although it now appears to have been taken over by Corel!).

Here are four examples of the sort of thing you can do. It's all very simple indeed. Click on the photos to see them larger.

Avignon Sky

Before:
After:


River Thames at Sunbury

Before:
After:


Fishing on the River Vistula

Before:
After:

Kathleen in the Snow

Before:

After:

There are a few more examples in my Treatments set on Flickr.

Finally. I am Man.

Today I finally became a full-grown, adult man.

No, not my bar-mitzvah.

Rather, I just achieved one of those milestones which separates the men from the boys. A rite of passage which means that I am now qualified to drink strong lager from the can, while standing around at a family barbecue with my shirt off, proudly displaying my beer belly.

Yea 'tis true. For today... (drum roll please)...

I took delivery of my first skip.

Thank you. Thank you.

Now I can stand in the pub, supping my ale, holding forth about cubic-yardages and regaling my fellow quaffers with the riveting tale of how I had to guide the skip-lorry driver down the narrow lane so that he didn't demolish any garden walls.

And once that is done we will finish our pints and go out hunting deer; driving them over cliffs with pointed sticks before howling at the moon and smearing the blood on our bodies...

Ah. It's good to be a bloke.

Get A Move On

Yes, I'm sorry. I've not been around much, have I? It's not my fault.

I had to do some work away from the office last week, starting on Tuesday. It was supposed to be 1.5 days (2 at the max) stuck in a soulless building in soulless Hounslow, restoring a database onto a UNIX server.

It turned into 4 days (and several evenings, it felt like) of unmitigated hell.

But I'm not saying any more. I'm putting that subject behind me. Like toilet paper.

I've also been busy getting ready for the first rehearsal of the play I'm directing. Which was tonight. Yes, it went well, thanks for asking. Only another 10 weeks of rehearsals and we can put the show on for the delectation of the paying public. That'll be another week that I don't get any postings done!

So the occasion of my 2,000th visitor passes with nary a word, let alone a celebratory glass of Pomagne. Ne'er mind, eh? Maybe on the 3,000th.

Normal service will be resumed next time something pisses me off...

Oh, MaryB asked for the Worst Movie Remakes ever:

Perm any 1 from these 3:

• The Ring (awful US remake of creepy Japanese original).
• The Vanishing (awful US remake of scary Dutch original).
• The Postman Always Rings Twice (awful US remake of excellent US original).

TTFN.

You Know You're Spending Too Much Time On Your PC...

...When you only hear about a scandalous story from the family's past when you read about it (tantalisingly) on your own Mum's blog.

Ramble On

On a recent visit to Chertsey Musem I picked up a couple of leaflets entitled Runymede Rambles, published by Runymede Council. More recent research indicates that you can download the leaflets (though the quality is not as good as the original printed material).

So, this past Sunday, The Wife and I decided to do walk no. four. An easy 4 mile stroll around Ottershaw, Brox and Rowtown.

We started off in The Castle. Probably the best pub in the area (though I should keep that quiet, otherwise it'll get crowded and then we won't like it so much anymore!). Leaving the car in the car park at around 10.45am we planned to work up an appetite with our walk and return here for lunch before heading back home.

Pausing only to take pictures to document our adventure, we crossed the road and headed off down Brox Lane.

There are plenty of nice houses in the area - and some nicely extravagant price tags to go with them, no doubt. One day, one day, I'll be able to afford to live around here.

We headed down Brox Lane, past the thatched cottage and the private fishing lake where several men were cutting down trees and painting fishing jetties (or are they called 'landings'?).

The lane winds about before cresting a hill and looking out over acres of farmland. But even up here there were houses dotted about. It's a long old walk to the nearest bus-stop and the buses in our neck of the woods aren't too reliable, so you won't get about very easily from here if you don't have a car.

Trudging down the hill, past a mobile home park and some old farm buildings, brings us to Rowtown.

This is another leafy area and pretty area of the borough and we walked past the Bourne Valley garden centre, up the hill towards The Cricketers pub.

This is a pub that used to be quaint and snug many years ago, but last time I frequented it the place had been modernised and was full of families.

[Here's a hint for landlords, breweries and patrons alike: Pubs are for adults. Adults who like to drink and joke and swear and get away from kids. When you have children you have to make sacrifices and one of those sacrifices is having to avoid going into pubs with your brood! And anyway, what happened to the law which forbids children under 14 entering licensed premises - I don't remember it being revoked...] Rant over!

The footpath behind the pub took us across to Hare Hill Open Space (an awful name for a lovely patch of woodland and meadow), then across busy Murray Road and across some fields of horses and over another hill with a tiny copse of trees atop it.

From here the view is down across St. Peter's Way (leading to the M25) and over the office buildings (including EA's European HQ) to St. Peter's Hospital. Although, as you walk along the footpath the occupants certainly try to freak you out by staring at you in a most threatening manner...

A mad dash across the road (the local authority don't seem to have provided for pedestrians here - it's a terribly American state of affairs) takes us into Homewood Park. This is an area which used to be called Botley's Park, after the large palladian manor house whose grounds it once was. Then, before the war, St. Peter's Hospital was situated here. Now parts of the area have been re-landscaped and prestigious offices (including the one mentioned above) are set in a verdant parkland with streams, ponds and huge fir trees. It's all slightly artificial, but very nice nevertheless.

Skirting around the manor house brings us to Stonehill Road - the main road from Chobham to Chertsey if you don't want to negotiate traffic lights and roundabouts. This is what I see in my mind when I think of Surrey woodland. Although it's probably as artificial and managed as Homewood Park when you consider that most of the trees simply hide a prestigious golf and country club from the sight of those of us unable to afford membership!

A left-turn up Foxhills Road brings us to Ottershaw Memorial Fields - the start/end point of the walk if you're following the leaflet properly. Which we weren't.

We walked across the playing fields - being careful not to get involved in a game of football inadvertently - and entered the mature woods at the top of Ether Hill.

Down the other side of the hill, through some thick mature woodland and across Chobham Road. To our right was Ottershaw Chase; another ancient thicket of trees. Past more large houses (one named the Gatehouse was very charming indeed) and we plough on uphill, emerging at Christ Church on the top of Timber Hill.

Now we're on the home stretch. We crossed the road to the car-park and entered the woodlands down the hill, picking up the footpath back to Brox Road and our destination: The Castle.

With a warm welcome from John, the landlord, a pint of London Pride and some great food, it brought an enjoyable couple of hours walking to a hearty conclusion.

Bits 'n' Pieces

Too Quiet

Sorry I haven't been around much. We've been rehearsing a show; but it's not one that I'm allowed to mention in public because it's so rude that we can't have all-and-sundry turning up to be offended. So - sorry - unless I know that you've got a filthy mind I can't sell you a ticket.

My Mummy

She's not been well, bless her. But she's better now. She must be or she wouldn't be complaining that I never took her chicken soup. But now she's preparing for her stage debut at the weekend. This from a woman who said she'd never set foot on the stage, no way, not in a million years. Good luck!

Pointless Game

Here it is - the most pointless game on the Internet.
Found at Money Saving Expert.


EDIT: Oh, OK then. Here's an example of one of the songs we'll be singing this weekend. Please look away now if you're easily offended. Blame Mary and Allen otherwise! The words are ours; the tune will be recognisable if you've ever seen The Pirates of Penzance:

When a felon's not engaged in fornication,
Or fiddling with a fellow felon's bum,
He can while away the hours with masturbation,
But a policeman's knob is not a happy one.
We are hedged about with tiresome regulation
And uniform too thick to cop a grope;
Inside of which I'm stiff with agitation.
A policeman's knob is throbbing without hope.

Chorus:
Whilst pornographic folk are having fun, having fun
A policeman's knob is not a happy one (happy one).

When the enterprising burglar's not a-bonking,
When the cutthroat isn't occupied with clap,
He loves to be the centre of a threesome,
And thinks himself a lucky little chap.
When the coster's finished jumping on his sisters,
He likes to tan his scrotum in the sun.
And so my sad refrain it kinda lingers;
A policeman's knob is not a happy one.

Lyrics by Graham Botterill, Music by Gilbert (or is it Sullivan - I can never remember!)

Writers and Bands

I think that more authors should start rock bands.

Of course, they don't listen to anything I say, but if they did they might want to come to me so I can tell them what names to use:

• Nick Hornby and the Range.
• Stephen King Crimson.
• King Kurt Vonnegut.
• The Hunter S. Thompson Twins.
• The J.K. Rowling Stones.
• Grahame Greene Day.
• Virginia Howlin' Woolf.
• Thomas Mann's Earth Band.

I'm sure you can do better than that...

Musings

Muslim Violence

I know that the worldwide events aren't representative of all Muslims. But, I really don't understand how anyone can whip up a crowd to burn buildings and murder people simply on the basis of a supposedly 'offensive' cartoon or two. It seems to me, more and more, like someone is stirring up trouble deliberately.

Music Views

Thanks to Jonathon for popping by yesterday. I checked-out his music review blog, Bloody Awful Poetry, today and I commend it to you as a fine example of music writing.

My Velocipede

My quest for sponsorship has gone mad! I've raised well over £500 in just five days. At this rate, by the time I do the ride (14th May) I'll have raised over £8,000. :-)

We Have a Winner!

Woo! And, indeed, Yay!

I won a competition.

As a member of the Pete Collective (see the banner in the top-left corner of this page) I entered a competition to win a 'Pete On Board' mug. And I won!

The last time I won anything was a box of 60 tea-bags at a girl guides' raffle. I was trying to win a girl guide...

For supreme divvy picture evidence of this fantastic prize (the mug, not the tea-bags) you can look over here at Flickr.

That Friday Feeling

The fine organisation for which I work has no lack of people who can be guaranteed to ask daft questions on a regular basis. And why do unexpected requests for complicated documentation always come in late on a Friday afternoon - attached to a note mentioning that the customer needs an answer by the end of the week?

Add to this the fact that the local pub, round the corner from our office, has a new, guest beer on-tap. It's called 'Swing Low'. And it's lethal! Only 2 pints at lunchtime, and I've been useless since.

Which all means that my brain has been completely drained of all thoughts and I had no idea what I was going to write. So instead you have to put up with reading an inane ramble.

"What's new?" I hear you cry.

Bastards!

One delightful thing to report. You will have seen my begging letter for sponsorship on Wednesday. Well, my target of £100 was blown away in a matter of hours. The total raised (in less than 2 days) is nigh on £400, which is quite remarkable. People are so generous, it takes my breath away.

So I've raised my target to £500.

The only worry I have now is when I attempt the London to Brighton Bike Ride in June. I have a feeling that my acquaintances will be all sponsored-out and I'll have to resort to panhandling to raise the necessaries. I'm not sure what sort of deviant sexual practice panhandling actually is, but it don't sound pleasant!

On Yer Bike!

OK, well, I'm definitely not right in the head.

A couple of posts ago, I mentioned that I was thinking of signing up for a couple of charity bike rides.

Well, the confirmation of the first one has come through.

I'm going to be doing the Thames Bridges Bike Ride, on behalf of the Stroke Association, on 14th May this year. 32 miles. Argh! I need to get training.

Mr Estall is to blame!

Anyway - obviously I'm not doing this for the benefit of my health. Well, I am, but I'm also doing it for charity. So please cycle over to my JustGiving page and donate away. Please. Any donation - however big or small - gratefully received.

Thank you.