Number Ones: Part 5 - The Noughties

As I'm forty-one years old in 2 days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today it's the turn of the 2000's. Or the Noughties. Or whatever you call them. I don't think we've reached a consenus on what to call this decade yet, have we?

The defining feature of this decade is that, in the main, we've had more and more songs reaching number one as the average stay at the top shrinks down to only one or two weeks. Though this trend seems to have reversed very recently. Somehow, the fact that downloads are counted in the chart seems to mean we're getting songs at number one for 5 or 6 weeks at a time again.

I've got a horrible feeling that all these songs will either be awful, or I won't recognise them. Let's see what's in store...

2000: Spiller featuring Sophie Ellis-Bextor - "Groovejet (If This Ain't Love)"
August 20 for 1 week

Hooray! A song I know. And like. Yes indeedy. One of the few that would stand a chance of getting me on the dancefloor sober.

2001: Five - "Let's Dance"
August 19 for 2 weeks

Nope. Sorry. Drawn a blank on this one. Which at least is preferable to Bob The Builder who was number one two weeks after my birthday.

2002: Sugababes - "Round Round"
August 18 for 1 week

Errr... Well, I've heard of the group, at least, but the song escapes me.

2003: Blu Cantrell feat. Sean Paul - "Breathe"
August 3 for 4 weeks

Crikey! I've never even heard of "Blu Cantrell". Blu? Is that a real name? Is it related to Blu-Tac in any way?

2004: Natasha Bedingfield - "These Words"
August 22 for 2 weeks

"These Words" presumably being "bugger off and leave us alone, Natasha".

2005: McFly - "I'll Be OK"
August 21 for 1 week

You won't be OK for long if you keep singing your pretend rock/punk pop rubbish at me.

2006: Shakira feat. Wyclef Jean - "Hips Don't Lie"
July 30 for 4 weeks

Shakira. Sexy lady. But a bit thick. No, hips don't lie. Because hips can't speak. Duh!

2007 : Kanye West - "Stronger"
August 19 for 1 week so far

He's been all over the TV and radio in the past couple of weeks to get his first UK number one. And he's done it. Well done Kanye. I still haven't heard the song myself. And it's going to stay that way!

Number Ones: Part 4 - The Nineties

As I'm forty-one years old in a few days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today it's the turn of the 1990's.

This is the decade when, I'm afraid, the singles chart became more or less irrelevant. I've been wracking my memory to recall the last single I bought. it was either "The Race" by Yello or "Headlights On The Parade" by the Blue Nile. And I think they were both in around 1989 or 1990. Since then it's been albums all the way for me. And mostly on CD. I still haven't got around to buying downloads. I think I prefer to have a real "thing" to own, rather than an intangible set of bits and bytes sitting around on my hard-drive.

Right - let's see what the decade had to offer. What tasty morsels did the British music industry serve me up on my birthdays?

1990: Bombalurina with Timmy Mallett - "Itsy Bitsy Teenie Weenie Yellow Polka Dot Bikini"
August 19 for 3 weeks

Argh! No!

1991: Bryan Adams - "(Everything I Do) I Do It For You"
July 7 for 16 weeks

Crikey. That's just as bad.

1992: Snap! - "Rhythm is a Dancer"
August 2 for 6 weeks

Oh, for heaven's sake...

1993: Culture Beat - "Mr Vain"
August 22 for 4 weeks

What? What? Am I going to go the whole decade without a decent song at No.1 on my birthday...?

1994: Wet Wet Wet - "Love Is All Around"
May 29 for 15 weeks

Flipping 'eck. It gets worse!

1995: Blur - "Country House"
August 20 for 2 weeks

Phew! Finally. OK, it's not one of their best, but those lovable pretend cockneys from the posh bit of Essex at least won the "Britpop battle for number one" and stopped those naughty Northern monkeys from Oasis from being no.1 on my birthday.

1996: Spice Girls - "Wannabe"
July 21 for 7 weeks

Now, stop it. A brief respite and now you're off again. I can't believe I actually thought that Posh was the sexy one back then...

1997: Will Smith - "Men in Black"
August 10 for 4 weeks

The Fresh Prince gets totally fresh on some alien butt. Loses musical credibility in the process (if he ever had any... Yeah, "Summertime" was great).

1998: Boyzone - "No Matter What"
August 9 for 3 weeks

Boyzone. Please, please just stop it. Stop it now!

1999: Geri Halliwell - "Mi Chico Latino"
August 22 for 1 week

Right - that's it. Hang on. Which song was this? The only Geri solo number I remember is the one where she was very lithe and toned and rolling around in a speedboat. There might have been dwarves chasing her... Then again, that might just have been my sordid fantasy. Ah, poor Geri. Rubbish songs, but she was quite sexy for a couple of months, until she got too thin.

Is that it? The 1990's are over? Thank heavens. Will the new decade bring any decent new music?

Number Ones: Part 3 - The Eighties

As I'm forty-one years old in a few days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today it's the turn of the 1980's. For me, this was the decade of the biggest changes in my life. At the start, I was in school; by the end of it I was going out with the woman who was to be my first wife.

In the 1980's I discovered music properly, went to university, got chucked out of university, met the first real love of my life, tried auditioning for drama school, got my first full-time job (night-cashier at a petrol station - I was sacked, eventually, for being late too often), and embarked on my current career.

This was the decade that defined me as a person. And, you know, I think I did OK. If I had to go back and talk to my younger self, I think I'd have one or two notes for the silly sod, but mostly I'd be telling him that it would all work out and to carry on enjoying himself and learning as much as he could about people and the world.

If I were to write a dictionary, under "Nostalgia" it would read "See: The 1980's".

1980: David Bowie - "Ashes To Ashes"
August 19 for 2 weeks

Fantastic. We kick off with a bona fide, five star, 24-carat classic. From Scary Monsters and Super Creeps, the entire album is a work of genius. David Bowie is a national institution (why hasn't he been knighted?) and I would forgive him anything - even Tin Machine and having tea with MLYW.

1981: Shakin' Stevens - "Green Door"
July 28 for 4 weeks

Oh, good grief! Read what I wrote about David Bowie and then imagine the exact opposite.

1982: Dexys Midnight Runners and the Emerald Express - "Come on Eileen"
August 3 for 4 weeks

It's taken over 20 years, but I think I'm finally sick of this record. But for those 20 years, this really was a fantastic party song. The slow build up to the final chorus - just enough time to grab some breath before launching yourself into mad, arms-and-legs-everywhere dancing - was a masterstroke. Kevin Rowland is another national institution, for that voice alone.

1983: KC and the Sunshine Band - "Give It Up"
August 9 for 3 weeks

Ironically, the original band had split up in 1981. They really had given it up.

1984: George Michael - "Careless Whisper"
August 14 for 3 weeks

George Michael? One hit wonder. Does anyone know what became of him?

1985: Madonna - "Into the Groove"
July 30 for 4 weeks

Madonna? One hit wonder. Does anyone know what became of her?

1986: Boris Gardiner - "I Want To Wake Up With You"
August 19 for 3 weeks

This song just about rings a bell, but I don't remember it being anything special. At the time my then girlfriend (the lovely Eve) had just returned to the USA, breaking my heart ever so slightly. OK, I confess, I was moping and miserable for about 2 years and I'm sure my friends got sick and tired of me mooching around glumly making plans to run over to San Francisco and whisk her off her feet, but never actually doing anything about it. To their credit, none of them actually said "well why don't you piss off and do it then" but I'm sure they all thought it!

1987: Michael Jackson with Siedah Garrett - "I Just Can't Stop Loving You"
August 11 for 2 weeks

Is it pronounced "Cider" or "Shadeah"? The latter, I would imagine. I've never liked Michael Jackson, even before the Christ complex and the Chris Langham-alike accusations, so this single has completely evaded my memory banks.

1988: Yazz and the Plastic Population - "The Only Way Is Up"
July 31 for 5 weeks

This was a big hit when I started working for Intourist. I remember it well as we went to the pub on the Friday of my first week in their (now defunct) Regent Street office and we saw Yazz herself, presumably refreshing herself after popping into the BBC just up the road. No sign of her plastic population though.

1989: Jive Bunny & the Mastermixers - "Swing The Mood"
July 30 for 5 weeks

Oh, Good Lord. This was the 2nd of 3 number ones for the annoying animated-rabbit/person-in-a-furry-suit in 1989. Who the hell bought these records? I didn't know back then and I still don't know now. The same people who got Mr Blobby or Bob the Builder to the top of the charts, I suppose. The same idiots who got Joe Dolce to pip Ultravox to the pinnacle. Damn! When I was doing my acting course recently we were asked to recall some event which made us angry - an exercise I was unable to complete as I don't really do big emotions; peeved, vexed, annoyed - those I can do. But not 'angry'. If only I'd remembered bloody Jive Bunny at that moment. You'd have seen some sodding acting then, I can tell you!

Number Ones: Part 2 - The Seventies

As I'm forty-one years old in a few days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today it's the turn of the 1970's.

1970: Elvis Presley - "The Wonder of You (Live)"
July 28 for 6 weeks.

Seven years before he died, Elvis was starting to shake off the doldrums of the mid to late 1960s and was entering the Vegas years when he started to revive his credibility. This is one of the most powerful songs of his late era.

1971: Diana Ross - "I'm Still Waiting"
August 17 for 4 weeks.

I can't for the life of me remember how this one goes. I'm afraid Miss Ross has never been a favourite of mine. I'm sure she'd be gutted to know that I spent my fifth birthday totally oblivious to her.

1972: Alice Cooper - "School's Out!"
August 8 for 3 weeks.

This single would become an anthem to a generation of us kids on the last day of the school year. On that occasion we'd sing this as we tore out of the school gates. The other two end-of-terms were greeted with the "no more rulers, no more books" chant which was also incorporated into this song.

1973: Donny Osmond - "Young love"
August 21 for 4 weeks.

I was, I am ashamed to say, a bit of a Donny Osmond fan when I was seven years old. I even had a t-shirt with the toothy Osmond fizzog imprinted thereon. I still wake up in a cold sweat even now.

1974: The Three Degrees - "When Will I See You Again"
August 13 for 2 weeks.

Famously Prince Charles' favourite "pop group". A nice enough song I suppose, though a bit syrupy. Sheila Ferguson, lead singer (or the first degree, I suppose) was the entertainment at a company function I attended a couple of years ago. She was rubbish!

1975: The Stylistics - "I Can't Give You Anything (But My Love)"
August 16 for 3 weeks.

Another song title that I don't recognise. Sorry Stylistics.

1976: Elton John & Kiki Dee - "Don't Go Breaking My Heart"
July 24 for 6 weeks.

Ah! Elton and Kiki flirting all through the video (though they weren't called that then) to this record. Would they get together, we thought. Strangely, they never did marry...

1977: Brotherhood of Man - "Angelo"
August 20 for 1 week.

A song which was a complete rip-off (or "fond homage" if the writers' lawyers are reading) of ABBA's Fernando. Oddly, I remember the Barron Knights' spoof of this better than the original. Altogether now: "Long ago, outside a chip shop in Walthamstow..."

1978: The Commodores - "Three Times A Lady"
August 19 for 5 weeks.

This was the song that was played at the end of school and youth-club discos for the next 5 or 6 years. As a hormonally unbalanced teenager the entire evening was spent trying to pluck up the courage to ask the girl you fancied to dance with you to this.

1979: The Boomtown Rats - "I Don't Like Mondays"
July 28 for 4 weeks.

A brilliant song, even before Live Aid came along. I remember learning to DJ when I was in the Reggae Soc at university. For some reason this single used to fit in very well alongside the dub, ska and Smiley Culture records we played.

PhotoHunt: Two

PhotoHunt

I had trouble deciding which one to submit. Something subtle, or really in-yer-face. So here's both of them. I hope that's not cheating.


Kathleen and Maryam walking through Denby's Vineyard

or


Battersea Power Station

Hey, hang on, the theme is "Two" so I think that posting two pictures IS entirely valid!

Not Shoaling

Last night I went to an audition for a TV show. It was a very slightly odd experience. News of the audition was distributed to a few local am-dram groups, so around 30 people arrived at a local village hall wondering what to expect.

We were met by two guys: one from the production company and an actor who has written the show. The actor greeted everyone and explained that they were making a pilot for a sketch show, to be filmed over about 10 days in September. Because their budget was non-existent, they were unable to pay actors anything more than expenses, hence they were looking for amateurs. Is this false economy? I keep saying that there are plenty of amateur performers who are just as good as the pros, but surely you need people who can slot straight into the filming? And I assume that if the show is picked up the amateurs would not be involved.

We were also told that TV doctor and vet Christopher Timothy was signed on for both the pilot and the full series. Right then, vitnary. Happen.

Anyway, the evening started off with some exercises that were quite familiar to anyone who has done the slightest bit of drama training. First off was a movement exercise which is, I believe, based on some Laban theory, though I know it is also used in Complicite work. Everyone in the group stands waiting and then starts moving when they think the time is right. Each person moves in a straight line, though you can turn when you get to the edge of the space. When you feel the time is right, you stop. The idea is to keep starting and stopping in a group as one. Then we did the same exercise, but we were allowed to move in curves. Much more freedom to fill the space.

We also went through a short Stanislavsky exercise of emotional scaling. We were asked to think of an emotion which we associated with a particular event in our lives. Lying down quietly we thought of how that emotion felt. That feeling was given a value of 5. Gradually, the group leader counted down from 5 to 1; as he did so we were to feel the emotion more and more strongly until it was almost overwhelming. Then we counted back up to 5 and further up to 10, where the emotion was almost totally absent. Finally, we went back to 5 to re-create the feeling.

It was interesting that, in the subsequent discussion, most people said that they had chosen a 'negative' emotion; usually anger. I had some trouble with summoning up an angry state of mind during a similar exercise early on at NODA. I think that in the rest of the week, I started to learn how to access those areas of my emotions more easily, but I wasn't confident of doing that, so I decided to choose a positive emotion for this exercise. So I chose the exhilarated happiness that I felt after we had performed our devised play at the NODA summer school presentations, just a week ago. I felt like I was 'cheating' slightly. It was a great emotion to choose and very recent, so I was able to recall it easily, but I was still surprised at how intense the feeling became when we counted down to number 1. I wanted to get up and run about and shout!

Finally, the evening concluded with some improvs. Some props were put in the middle of the room and people were invited, one at a time, to pick one up and impro a short scene around it.

Unfortunately, by the time we got around to this section, time was very short and there was only time for 4 or 5 people to do something. Now, the producers told us they were looking for 10-12 people for their show, so I'm not sure how they will achieve that, given that they only saw a few individual 'performances'. But maybe there's just a 'look' or 'attitude' that they want from some people and the earlier exercises were enough for them.

Anyway, the evening ended there and we were told that we would find out by Monday if we were wanted for the show.

It was difficult to tell how serious and professional the whole effort is. No offence to the producers, but I do wonder why a 'real' show would need to use amateur actors. I also felt, as I said above, that they spent a long time on warm-up type exercises and maybe not enough on looking at the capabilities of each actor there. But 90 minutes is, I think, the bare minimum you need to do some serious group work and to get some of the more self-conscious people comfortable with moving out of their usual zones. Then again, I think the producers were suprised by the number of people who turned up, so it's possible that they will just be have to make the best out of the situation.

All in all, it was a fun evening. I don't usually have the chance to do 'serious' drama exercises outside NODA summer school, so to do some less than a week after this year's school was great. It was like pulling on a big, warm, woolly jumper and enveloping myself in a safe, comforting environment once more.

Number Ones: Part 1 - The Sixties

As I'm forty-one years old in a few days (you can see my Amazon Wishlist if you want to buy me a pressie!) I thought I'd take a look back at the songs which were number one in the UK chart each year on my birthday.

Today I start with the 1960's.

1966: The Beatles - "Yellow Submarine"/"Eleanor Rigby"
August 18 for 4 weeks

They ruled the charts for the whole decade, but they were only ever number one on my birthday once. Eleanor Rigby is a marvellous song. Short and redolent of lost lives with those mournful, stabbing cellos throughout. Yellow Submarine is a silly, sing-a-long for kids. Only The Beatles could have a hit with a kids song and remain cool and relevant, and only they could get away with such a sublime combination of styles on a double A-side. It wouldn't happen today.

1967: Scott McKenzie - "San Francisco (Be Sure to Wear Flowers in Your Hair)"
August 9 for 4 weeks

Here's a hit which sums up the state of the world at the time. If you watch a documentary about the 1967 'Summer of Love' you can almost guarantee that this song will be featured in the soundtrack.

1968: Crazy World of Arthur Brown - "Fire"
August 14 for 1 week

Now, Arthur really was a bit crazy! Set himself alight several times performing this number. Not sure what he's up to now, though I know he did sing one of the tracks on the Alan Parson's Project debut, "Tales of Mystery and Imagination".

1969: Rolling Stones - "Honky Tonk Women"
July 23 for 5 weeks

This song has one of the great drumbeat intros. A lazy, laid-back, loping figure which totally gives away Charlie Watt's jazz roots. And it's got a cow-bell in it, yet it's still good to listen to. Mick Taylor changed the arrangement from country to blues and Keith Richards "borrowed" an open-G tuning from Ry Cooder to come up with the distinctive riff. A top song, though many involved with the Stones don't like it.

Soul Rollers

Well, we've chosen the colour that we are going to paint our living room. It's a lovely shade from the Fallow & Bell range of colours based upon popular soul and R&B singers.

The main colour we've chosen is Al Green. Here are some of the other paint colours available:

James Brown
Alexander Eau De Nil
Otis Reddish
Marvin Graye
Luther van Gloss
Reddie Floyd
Jamiraquamarine
Corinne Beigey Rae
Diana Russet

Barry White

There's another soul colour hidden somewhere in this post. First to find it wins a match-pot...

PhotoHunt: Row

PhotoHunt

Ooh, I've just discovered PhotoHunt, so here's my first entry. It's a row of bikes on Huangpi Road in Shanghai.

And below, an alternative entry. A row of ropes at the Eden Project in Cornwall:

Massage Daydream

While looking for a local masseur (no, not that sort of masseur), I discovered that David Bowie lives locally to me and is happy to come over and give you a massage in his spare time.

What a lovely bloke. Though I think I'd forego the happy finish...

MLYW had a dream about David Bowie the other day. He invited her round to tea, which they had in the company of another, unknown woman (it wasn't Iman) who scowled a lot. Apparently he serves battenburg cake and fondant fancies. The battenburg is specially coloured to match his eyes.

That is all.

Bike Ride 20070813

Less than a month to go until my (gulp!) 55 mile charity bike ride, so after the excess of last week (hey, it's only red wine!) I thought I'd better jump back on the saddle.

And as my last ride before NODA turned a little dodgy (I was aiming for 14 miles, but got lost and did over 20. It hurt!) it's probably not a bad idea to start recording my distances, times, etc.

Tonight, a favourite route along the Blackwater Valley Path. Nice and flat, which is nice after a short lay-off, but when the sun goes down there are thousands of midges. I have a feeling my face will be bitten to buggery. Mental note: buy a bandana...

My average speed was a bit slow. I want to get up to around 13 or 14 mph average on the flat. Otherwise I'm going to be a bit too slow on the hilly course that we'll be riding.

Stats
Time - 1:29:39
Distance - 15.61 miles
Ave - 10.1 mph
Max - 21.3 mph

NODA 2007

Summer School in Loughborough again. This was my fifth year in succession and, undoubtedly, the best experience I've had. I don't believe I've ever written about it in depth before, but this year's experience was so intense that I feel that I need to do it justice.

The NODA summer school is a week-long opportunity to stay at the Loughborough University campus, studying one of the many courses which are scheduled for the week, along with around 200 other like-minded actors, singers, dancers, choreographers, directors and musical directors. All amateur, save the tutors who are all professionals in their relevant fields.

I was very lucky in that on the Contemporary Drama course this year -- my chosen field of study -- there were 3 people (Karen, Kevin and Vanessa) who I knew from previous years and I had been on the same course with Kev and Karen 3 years ago, so I knew that we worked well together.

The course content was excellent. Our tutor, the wonderful Paul Milton, asked us to bring 2 plays with us; Amy's View by David Hare and How To Disappear Completely and Never Be Found by Fin Kennedy. We spent 2 days studying scenes from Amy's View, 2 days on How To Disappear... and 2 days devising an 'original' piece based on themes from the plays. This last piece was performed in the Friday evening presentation, which is a chance for each group to show a work-in-progress, if they want to.

For me, there were several revelations during the week. The first, from an acting and directing perspective, was that I finally grasped how to use one of the main tools of the modern actor. This is a technique called "actioning", by which one asks oneself what reaction the character is trying to get whenever he says something, and thus to decide upon an "action" associated with their line. Let me give you a simplistic example. Say that I'm playing a character called Bert. Bert has a line in the play as follows:

Bert. Will you please give me the book, Sandra?

We ask ourselves, what reaction does Bert want from Sandra (possible answer: he wants her to give him the book) and so what action does he perform (possible answer: he demands the book from Sandra).

The reason that I've put "possible answer"s in brackets is that the action and reaction depend on the subtext, not necessarily on what is actually being said. When Bert asks for the book, maybe what he really wants is for Sandra to kiss him as he has been in love with her for years. Maybe instead of demanding the book from her, he should be coaxing it from her?

Actions are always transitive verbs. Though I never took English Language 'A' level, nor took Latin, so what 'transitive' actually means has passed me by somewhat! I'll be happy enough to think of a verb when I study a play-text in future.

I've never quite understood the concept completely before, despite having read about it several times and it really was a huge eye-opener to finally grasp this key piece of acting theory. And, of course, as an amateur director (a role I prefer and which, I hope, I am more suited to) a grasp of this is even more crucial in amateur theatre, where the majority of your actors whill have had even less training that the odd NODA summer school and will need spoon-feeding with their actions somewhat.

Throughout the week we were introduced to several interesting (and sometimes very hard) exercises on Complicité. This is a theatrical technique which explores the way a team or company of actors can become 'tuned' to each other in order to better explore a piece. There was a lot of work involved which may sound a bit pretentious to some who have not come across things like this before - it's all about letting go of your ego and becoming a part of the group.

Emotionally, it was a really hard week for me personally. I found How To Disappear... a fantastic play and was delighted to read the main part (Charlie) in an informal read-through that some of us organised one evening. The next day, Paul picked me to act a very long speech which Charlie makes at the heart of the play. The rest of the group directed me. The whole session lasted an hour and left me totally drained and maybe identifying with the character more than maybe I should have done.

That was my second revelation, that I could access (or at least, start to approach) the emotional core of a character, given some very skilled encouragement and direction. Before this week, every part I have played has been very much a cipher, or a sketch. From now on I think I have a responsibility to play the truth of the part as far as possible.

Along with that, I found myself playing a rather crucial central role in our devised piece of work, which basically took up the last 2 days of the week. I'm happy to assume that I was picked to play the role as it was a good fit initially and that the fact that the piece ended up growing around this character was a sheer accident. Certainly, in the end, I ended up playing a role which was responsible for holding the entire piece together, which was both terrifying in its responsibility and gratifying that people kept on encouraging me, saying that I was doing a good job. It would be nice if this was really true and that I did put in a good performance, supporting (and very much supported by) everyone else in the group, but my inate lack of self-confidence means that I'm a bit suspicous that these remarks were just a bit of flannel and ego-massage for me. Oh god - now it sounds like I'm fishing for compliments. I should be happy with the work I did and learn to take a compliment, I know!

I think I identified a bit too closely with both of the roles and it somewhat affected the way I related to some of my colleagues in the group. I have to stress that my self-deceptions were all in my own head and hopefully did not change the way that my NODA friends thought of me, but at times it was unsettling and scary, until I finally sat-down and talked it through with a trusted and very supportive colleague. It's odd that one's own mind can conjure up unwanted ideas on its own. It's something that makes me wonder how some actors, with a lot more talent than me, who work constantly, ever manage to have long-term and stable relationships. Then again, many don't, so maybe it's good that I haven't managed to have a career in acting!

Another positive note though is that I now have a much stronger love and appreciation for MLYW and I am ever more grateful that she loves me back. She is an incredibly kind, beautiful and endlessly patient woman.

So - today was back to earth with a bump. Actually, it was less of a bump. In fact, I don't feel like I've even landed yet. I think I'm slowly drifting back down like an autumn leaf, but some day this week I shall arrive back in the real world. One of my friends from the course described her feelings on arriving home as ones of "sadness and dislocation" which really sounds right to me. I'd add that I have a real feeling of loss. That small group of like-minded people, working together for a common aim, all doing something that we LOVE to do, and striving to do it well. At the moment I really miss being there and that sense of loss is both compunded and also alleviated by the fact that I know there are another 51 weeks until I can go back and do it all again...

Me? No, me!

Hello. I've been away at acting school for a week; learning to be schizophrenic. I think.

I'll catch up with comments and all your blogs asap.

Mwah!
x

Anniversaries

The other day I realised that I've been blogging for over two years now. And it's not the only anniversary that the summer brings.

Two years ago MLYW and I had just got back from our honeymoon in Shanghai.

Two years ago I was thinking of a new play to direct after having done Les Liaisons Dangereuses.

Two years ago I was looking forward (sort of) to my last birthday in my thirties.

Two years ago I was about to go to NODA Summer School for the third time.

This time of year always makes me realise how much more quickly time shoots past as one gets older. But I also look back over the past two years and wonder how much has changed in my life.

We've bought a new house which is slowly being tidied, re-organised and decorated and I've changed jobs (but not careers, unfortunately) - though I really miss the guys I used to work with.

Overall, I'm really quite happy and more or less contented with my lot. I could be fitter, but the regular bike rides are pushing me in the right direction. So I think that those feelings of not doing enough new things are probably just the usual middle-age uncertainties that everyone is plagued by.

Certainly MLYW would say that I do lots of things and that I'm not at home enough for her. And she may be right -- when I have a hobby or an interest, I tend to devote all my resources to it and find it hard to say "no" to people.

So the chances of taking that photography class, or signing up for guitar lessons, are pretty slim while I keep devoting all my time to local drama and not enough time to re-painting the living room, or fixing the shower!

That's another reason for winning the lottery: there's not enough time to do all these leisure activities when you have to work for a living!

Tomorrow I'm off to Loughborough for a week, taking a class in 'Contemporary Drama' at this year's NODA Summer School. No doubt when I return I will be bursting with even more ideas for productions with Ottershaw Players. I will also be completely knackered after a week of hard work during the days and too much cider in the evenings. If you're the religious type you may want to say a prayer for my liver.

See you all next Saturday!

If...

...I Won The Lottery

That's what this game is called. Let's imagine there was a rollover one week and you won £10,000,000 ($20m) on the lottery, tax-free. What would you do with the money? You need to tell me 5 things. And if you DO ever win, we'll be checking up on you to make sure you do what you say you'd do!

1. Sort out the accommodation. Specifically, pay off the mortgage; buy somewhere new to live in our ideal location; completely refurbish the old house and rent it out to provide an income 'just in case'.

2. Buy a new car for me, plus one for my Lovely Young Wife to learn to drive in.

3. Give close friends and family enough dosh to make their lives more comfortable.

4. Spend some time travelling the world. On the list of places to see is: India, Iceland, Costa Rica, diving in the Red Sea, Australia, New Zealand, the USA, Mongolia, China, Russia.

5. Buy or build a small theatre and run it as a resource for amateur theatre companies.

Death Cat For Cutie

There's this cat in Rhoda Island, USA, which can apparently predict when nursing home patients are about to die. [It lives in Providence - which is incredibly ironic, don't you think?]

"Predict"? Or are the nursing home staff just taking their eyes off the ball? I reckon 'cute' little Oscar just waits until no-one is paying attention, then curls up on the face of his latest victim, smothering them to death.

It's the purr-fect crime. Everyone's expecting the person to die anyway, so Oscar just helps the process along a little. It's a mercy kitten.

You can bet that if 25 patients died within 2 hours of being visited by a particular nurse or orderly, the local sheriff would soon be taking them into custody for questioning.

I find it ironic that Harold Shipman is in prison for killing all those old people, yet his faithful golden retriever, Kervorkian, is running free, eating his fill of Pedigree Chum and chicken-flavoured biscuits.

Edit: And now I read that another one of the wannabe-tiger scum has been caught in the act trying to steal a car! I publish his picture here so that you can turn him in to the car police if he tries to rob you too.

Names

I see that Jordan and Peter André have named their new daughter 'Princess Tiaamii'. Right. We'll take them both much more seriously now, won't we!

If I ever have a son, I shall be calling him 'Raylord'. It's a name I thought I discovered when looking through old birth records, though in fact it was just 'Raymond' and was a bit smudged. Raylord, however, is a fantastic name. It's a bit futuristic (like ray-gun) and a bit royal (it's got 'lord' in it - which is a bit religious too, I suppose) and it's wholly original.

Yes, Raylord Moore, my future offspring. With a strong manly name like that, there's absolutely no chance of him being called "Gaylord" or "Raymongo" or something cruel by the other kids at school, is there?

Of course, my heart is so set on Raylord that I've no idea what to do if we had a girl baby instead. It's a toss-up between somethign sophisticated like 'Sauvignon' ('Sovie' for short) or something pretty like 'Geranium'...

Edit:

Damn! I've just Googled for Raylord and there are a few people with that name out there. If it's not unique then I don't want to use it.

Mind you - one of the people I found was called Raylord Focker. True!

D.I.S.C.O.

We went to Gloucestershire at the weekend to attend the 30th birthday party of my cousin and her husband. There was a fancy dress theme: School Disco.

So, lots of girls (and boys!) in gymslips and pigtails.

I chose to go as a teacher, so it was on with the gown and mortar-board (thanks to Mum for the loan of those!).

The best costume for me was my nephew Thomas's. He decided he'd be a science teacher. For some bizarre reason he had an uncanny resemblance to Mark Heap as Dr Statham in 'Green Wing'...

Statham	Thomas

Sob

The garage have rung. I've just found out how much it's going to cost to get my car fixed.

Does anyone know this week's National Lottery numbers?

Actually, what I really need is a new car. Something a little bit bigger, with 5 doors. I don't mind if it's cheap and tacky, as long as it goes and doesn't cost a fortune to run.

But it's difficult to save up for a new car when you keep having to pay out expensive gold bullion to keep the present car running...

Oh, no. Not again?!

Errr... yes, sorry, but I'm doing another charity bike ride.

This time I'm going to be riding a 55-mile course from Aldershot (where I live - which is handy) through the Hampshire countryside, as far as Alresford, and finishing back at home.

It's the Wish Pedlars 2007 ride in aid of the Make-A-Wish foundation. You can read more about them at their website.

If you'd like to sponsor me (and believe me, I may need the inspiration and motivation that sponsorship brings to keep me going once I've done 40-odd miles!) you can visit my JustGiving page here:
http://www.justgiving.com/PT_Wish_2007

What's Under The Sheet?

The news about David Beckham moving to Los Angeles to play for the LA Galaxy team reminds me of something that I meant to post about some time ago, but never did.

Go and read the story now, then come back here.

You'll notice that the headline says that Beckham is to be "unveiled" by LA Galaxy. This is a verb which is used in respect to any footballer who is about to start playing for a new team. Why "unveiled" though? Mr Beckham and his footballing ilk do often make odd fashion choices, but I've never seen any of them wearing a veil.

Usually, you "unveil" something because it's been hidden for some time. The object to be disclosed is obfusctated by a large piece of fabric (ususally red silk, though blue velvet curtains with gold trim are acceptable). A ceremony is performed to build up a sense of tension and expectation and then... in a sweeping gesture... the object of desire is revealed to all those gathered; accompanied by gasps of surprise, astonished murmurings and blinding flashes from paparazzi cameras.

Yet, in football transfers, there is usually a prolonged stream of rumours preceding the transfer and the deal is done, and publicised, days before the player makes his first appearance at the new team's ground or board-room. So the press-call and announcement is never a real suprise - just a confirmation that the deal has been done and the player's chauffeur has managed to find the place without getting lost or killed.

Journalists should probably try to come up with some new words to replace "unveil". As I am kind and lovely, I will provide some good and bad examples for their guidance.

Good: show-off; make public; publicise; divulge; display; exhibit; parade; present.

Bad: unmask; uncover; reveal; unroll; unfurl; expose; flourish; demonstrate; unshroud.

I thank you.

8 Things You Hate About Me

Oooh! Darn you Allen. These tagging things are really annoying. I like reading other peoples' lists, but I hate thinking up my own. Then again, it beats working!

[Disclaimer - regular readers of this blog may already know some of this stuff.]

Here are the rules:

The rules are simple…Each player lists 8 facts/habits about themselves. The rules of the game are posted at the beginning before those facts/habits are listed. At the end of the post, the player then tags 8 people and posts their names, then goes to their blogs and leaves them a comment, letting them know that they have been tagged and asking them to read your blog.

1. Habit: I have a scab on the crown of my head which I keep picking at. I got the original scar many years ago at Open University summer school, when someone under the influence of mucho alcohol fell off a bar table onto me, squashing the sunglasses which I had perched on my head. I now pick at the scab when concentrating, bored, anxious or on any other occasions when I require a bleeding and painful scalp. On the positive side, I hardly bite my fingernails anymore.

2. Fact: I was born exactly 1,887 years after Pompeii and Herculaneum were buried by the eruption of Mount Vesuvius. Actually, that's not quite true, as it doesn't take into account the change from the Julian to Gregorian calendar in 1752. So, all 'anniversaries' commemorating events prior to that year are actually 11 days out.

3. Habit: This is somewhat of a confession. I've recently become hooked on "Project Runway" (the US version of UK's "Project Catwalk"). It's as Camp as David and it's entirely based on the world of fashion (which I find alternately boring or despicable), yet I find the weekly dose of cattiness, sketching, designing and stitching incredibly entertaining. But this doesn't make me gay. Oh no. Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh, maybe I'm hooked on Heidi Klum? Yup, that's what it is.

4. Fact: I can juggle. Only the standard 3 balls and only in the ordinary way - no fancy patterns. But I learned once and never forgot how.

5. I usually read about 3 books at once (is that a habit, or a fact? I've decided it's a habit). I'll have one or two tomes in the loo, one by the bed and maybe one or two more lying around the house. I seem to have no problem picking up the story.

6. Fact: Today I visited a banana ripening and distribution warehouse in Swindon. The nice man who showed us round knew everything there is to know about bananas. All the bananas I saw today had come from Brazil, though many other countries produce bananas, including Cameroon, Columbia, Winward Islands and Iceland. The most common variety of banana eaten in Europe is the dwarf cavendish. So there!

7. Habit: I'm addicted to email. I can't communicate with people unless it's via email. People will ask me to do something for them, face to face, but I ask them to send me an email, or I'll forget to do it. And I hate phoning people to ask them things, so I email instead - even though phone would be quicker and more reliable.

8. Fact: I have eaten lamb's brains, but I don't like broccoli.

Okey dokey. I've found some things to write about. Now it's your turn: Mum, Jo, Dave, Chuckie, David, Mary and Clare (sorry only 7 not 8 - I don't know enough people!).

Edit: Ooh! I know someone new! Welcome Rion, and thanks for picking up the baton.

I'm Not Bad - Just Misguided

Now look. I know that some of you (well, one of you!) thinks that my comments about Alzheimers collection people was a bit naughty. But, in fact, it makes perfect sense.

Do let me explain:

As a carefree and happy-go-lucky sort of chap I'm sure that if I was ever struck down with any sort of dementia I would face it with fortitude and good humour.

However, being demented I wouldn't know what was happening to me and I'd therefore be unable to apply my cutting-edge wit to my rapidly failing mental faculties.

So I'm getting all the jokes out of the way now - while I still can!

Well I'll be Burgered.

While we're on the subject of old people, I went along to Twickenham stadium to see Genesis last night, with a handful of chums.

Sadly, Genesis haven't persuaded Peter Gabriel or Steve Hackett to join the reunion: Gabriel's off around Europe playing all his old songs and giving his long-term fans what they want, while Hackett's (sadly) finding it hard to get arrested these days.

Unfortunately, the Genesis crowd seemed largely made up of people who know the band primarly through Phil Collins and the band's more syrupy ballads from Invisible Touch and We Can't Dance.

Now, I may be grouchy about this, but I'm happy to sit there and listen while the band play their more 'poppy' songs. After all, everyone's paid their money and each group of supporters should be allowed to hear their favourite tracks.

But what I found really annoying was the pair of fools sat in front of us, who decided that every time Genesis played a song they didn't recognise, they would stand up, forcing the entire row to stand, shuffle off slowly (but talking loudly) to replenish their alcohol and nicotine levels. Fifteen minutes later, they were back; having fucked up "Afterglow" for us, here they were to shuffle along, gurning and giggling inanely to ruin "Ripples".

Why you would pay £60 for tickets to a gig, then watch/listen to less than half the set, preferring instead to spend over the odds on watered down fizzy pop...?

Muppets!

But on the whole, the concert was good. From where we were sitting, the sound tended to be a bit muddy during the loud, bombastic, old, epic numbers (the ones our gang like), but not too much to spoil things.

Highlights for me were "Mama" - very crisp and a genuinely disturbing turn from 'cuddly' Phil Collins - and the slightly overlong (but superbly arranged) drum duet with the segue into "Los Endos" - surely this should have been the final piece of the entire show? As it was, the show seemed to end on a bit of an anti-climax with "The Carpet Crawlers" - a great song, but I felt that we were too far from the stage to be part of the emotion of the piece.

[I can't help recalling a small-scale Genesis gig at Southampton's Rose(?) Theatre some 15 years ago - "Carpet Crawlers" then was a superb highlight. Big stadia just kill off a real connection to the music, I think.]

I'd just like to pause a moment here to talk about the catering. Martin queued up to get us all some food - we all ordered the same thing, to make it easier: four cheeseburgers. When we started to eat it, I discovered that my burger had no meat in it. Just a bun filled with shredded lettuce, onion and sauce. A burger-free burger. Cheek! Anyway, Martin kindly shared his meaty feast with me, and I (even more generously) let him have half of the empty burger in return. But really! If you're in the business of selling burgers to the public, surely you should appreciate which one of the four key ingredients you could leave out without disappointing the paying punter!

And finally, a moan about South-West Trains. Heading into London from Twickeham would have been no problem. There were about 8 trains an hour - even at 11pm on Sunday. But heading west...! No way mate. Only 4 trains an hour, 2 of which were of no use to the majority of people. Approximately 2,000 people queuing to try to take the westbound train. We left the stadium around 10.30pm. The 10 minute walk to the station took 30 minutes because of poor signage and stewarding to the stadium exits and the huge crowds heading towards the station. Then an hour long queue to get down onto the platform. I finally got on a train at 23:55.

I also managed to get separated from my compadres in the melee, so they arrived back at the car in Staines about 20 minutes before I did. I eventuallygot home (thanks Andy!) around 1am, but Lord knows when the others got back. Andy had another hour's drive down to Southampton and the others were zooming round the M25 to Kent, so they probably got in around 2am too...

It's all very well telling people to take public transport to these events - but maybe someone needs to consider getting the train companies to put on additional services. Or maybe the train companies need to wake up to the fact that Sunday is no longer the 'day of rest' that it used to be and that the same timetables should be used all week long?

Shake, Rattle and, errr, where was I?

I went to Tesco at lunchtime. To buy some lunch. And to get some petrol for the car

[It's important to get these things the right way around: Vauxhall Tigras don't run very well on cheese & ham sandwiches, and drinking petrol makes my breath smell.]

As usual, I had to run the gamut of charity collectors by the supermarket entrance. Today there were a couple of old chaps, well into their seventies, shaking collection tins for the Alzheimer's Society.

It occurred to me that they were unlikely to make much money. Any savvy punter will be able to avoid donating: "Alzheimer's Society? I put money in the tin earlier on. Don't you remember?"

And what if the old boys forget to hand the money in to HQ? In fact, for all we know, they didn't even know why they were standing there in the first place; mid-rattle they are likely to wander off and buy some cat-food, Daz and some steradent...

Good Time George

Sad news as George Melly has passed on.

When I was a teenager, I knew him as a jazz singer because my parents would often venture out to see him performing with John Chilton's Feetwarmers.

Over the years, though, he's popped up as a film and TV critic and a commentator on art whose opinions actually seemed worth hearing: he really knew his stuff - those years hanging out with the likes of Dali, Bunuel and the rest of the surrealist gang.

George was a national treasure and I'll be digging out one of his old cassettes when I get home.

Nearly Pro

I got a message from a Flickr contact a few weeks ago, asking whether the travel firm he works for could use one of my photos (taken on honeymoon in Shanghai) to illustrate one of the pages on their website.

As I'm a lovely bloke, I graciously gave my permission.

And now, all of a sudden, my picture's being used on a commercial site! You can see it here.

I'm dead chuffed. It's not like they're paying me, or anything, but I'm really happy that someone noticed my humble photo and thought it good enough to grace their own site.

Here's the original pic:



Yes, definitely chuffed!