If You Want To Get Ahead...

The other day The Wife and I went to the supermarket. She was wearing a hooded top and as it was pouring with rain and freezing cold she had the hood up.

As we entered Tesco we were approached by a security guard who told us she had to take her hood down. We tried to ask why but we were just told "it was the new rules". There are no signs up to tell anyone about these new rules.

While we did our shopping it was infuriating to count the number of people who were wearing baseball caps, stocking caps, ski hats, trilbies, head-scarves, turbans, etc, etc. Does this head-covering moritorium only apply to my wife? Or just people in "hoodies"? Or just women?

Is Tesco's new anti-hoodie rule something for my local Addlestone branch? Or is it nationwide? Either way, why are there no signs or publicity about this ludicrous rule?

I intend to write to the supermarket chain to get to the bottom of this affair.

In other news, an elderly gent was told to remove his trilby in a city-centre pub, in Hereford.
The BBC seem to want to satirize this, and the news that Arnold Scwarzenegger shouldn't be riding a motorbike. The front page of their news site today appears to show Arnie in a fetching hat himself. Just take a look:

Do Your Duty

When you've finished looking at the Internet for the day, please remember to rewind it before you log-off. It's only fair for everyone else, you know.

Look What Happened...

Everyone else is doing it, so why shouldn't I? So, here's my review of MY year.

Farrago
I played the guitar and helped arrange songs for Ottershaw Players' annual rude revue in February. Not as much fun as actually being in the show, though. I'm looking forward to the next Farrago, in March, as I'll be playing Sherlock Holmes.

Liaisons
March to June was spent rehearsing Les Liaisons Dangereuses, again with Ottershaw Players. Preceded by 3 months of preparation. The play was generally a critical succes, though not a financial one, unfortunately. Looking back, I think I should have got the pace picked-up somewhat, but I'm proud of how well it went. Currently, I'm planning for the production of Habeas Corpus next June.

Blogging
I've now managed to keep blogging for a whole 6 months, with 1149 visitors, at time of writing - I'm not in Scaryduck's league, but I'm happy that anyone reads this with any regularity. I don't think I've left a gap of more than a week, or so. And that was when I was on honeymoon in Shanghai. And knowing that I've inspired the likes of Delmonti to start blogging makes me happy. And having 'met' new blogging acquaintances like Mel and MaryB is great.

Marriage
Blimey. June was busy! I got married, for the 2nd time, to The Wife (for the 1st time). And I know that this one is for real. Kathleen makes me very happy indeed and I consider myself one of the luckiest men in the world for nabbing her. And the honeymoon in Shanghai wasn't bad either!

Acting
I used up a ton of holidays going to drama school auditions and, frankly, not doing nearly well enough to get in. Good luck to some of the fantastic youngsters who I saw at the auditions, though I was also encouraged to see a few kids who weren't very good at all, so I wasn't completely living in cloud-cuckoo land. Lately I've enjoyed directing a lot more than acting. And I may have to start thinking about ways of changing careers in that direction.

Working
A year ago I was promising myself that by this time I would not be in my current job. But I am still there. If I make no other resolutions this year I will endeavour to sort out my finances and get out of debt so that I am in a better position to make changes in my life and career.

More Time To Kill

Researchers from the Thompsonian Institute tell us that this year will be a full ONE SECOND longer than usual.

What to do with that extra second? I think I feel a meme-tag coming on!

I will use the extra second in 2005 to do one of the following five things:

1. Blink for a little longer than usual.
2. Do the hard crossword in The Sun.
3. Debate whether it's midnight at the first or the last chime of Big Ben.
4. Take advantage in the lull to get a drink at the bar.
5. Take advantage of The Wife.

OK - now if you're reading this, consider yourself tagged. Let me know what 5 thing's you will be doing with your extra time.

Season's Greetings

Hello.

Merry Xmas (or Christmas).

I thought I'd spend this morning laying out a collection of small dairy products and putting fairy-lights around them.

Then I realised I'd misheard and today we're NOT celebrating the birth of little baby cheeses.

Hey ho. Hope you get all you've wished for.

Peace, love and light - as Spike would have said.

THREE days to go?!

I commend JohnnyB's latest missive to those of you who wake up in the night, disturbed by a noise which could be (a) some leaves blowing across the roof, (b) three large grizzly bears searching for porridge in your kitchen in a bizarre Goldilocks revenge scenario, or (c) one of the things Johnny suggests - and you know you've imagined them all when it's happened to you.

Which reminds me:

When I was young (oh, about 10, I think) we had a teacher who told us a story which he purported to be true.

It seems that a youngster was awakened one summer by his curtains blowing gently in the breeze. One of the curtains billowed out in the shape of a face. He pulled the curtains and there was no-one there. So he went back to bed and closed his eyes. Then an intruder appeared in the bedroom and...

And, I've no idea what happened next because I was scared shitless by that story. And even on the hottest nights I can't bear having windows open in case the curtains billow in the shape of a huge, scary face.

Eurgh! It still gives me the willies. And not in a good way.

So - what ghosty-scary-type things still scare you, years after you should have got over them?

Is Your Name Pete?

Mine is. Is yours?

If so, you might like to join The Pete Collective, an entirely unnecessary gathering of people called 'Pete'. Click on the link, or on the corner banner - up there - at the top left. See it? Good.

I'm not sure if you're allowed to join if your middle name is Pete. They don't make it clear. I'll ask and report back...

Thanks to my lubberly sister for telling me about the site. Cheers, Jo!

Happy Birthday...

...To The Wife!

Whisked her off to the West End Centre in Aldershot to see Wob play. He did quite a few new numbers tonight, so we reckon a new album is imminent.

Here are a couple of pictures 'in performance':


And, in a more thrashy mood...



A great set from Wob. Thanks mate. And Happy Birthday to you for the weekend.

Also caught a FANTASTIC guitarist by the name of Tristan Seume. No singing, just solo, acoustic guitar, but to an exceptionally high standard. I reckon he has 8 fingers on each hand, the freak. Anyway - check him out as he's marvellous!

Unfortunately we had to leave before Blimus started playing. Their name suggests a Japanese Primus tribute band, but I don't think they were. Banjos and lap steel guitars may seem to be a bit country and western (i.e. BAD in my book!) but from the looks (and sounds) of their website, I think we may have missed a right treat.

Hi Ho, Hi Ho

Since late October, we've been working in a different office, while our usual building in Andover is undergoing renovations.

Having time to spare now that I'm going to work on the train (and how relaxing is that, after driving to work for the past few years), I thought I'd take the opportunity to document the journey - dull as it is!

So here are the stations I pass through each morning.

Addlestone



Lordy - what a dull place. No coffee-shop, newspaper kiosk, taxi office, although Weybridge, Chertsey and Virginia Water all have these facilities. The woman who works in the ticket office has an awful attitude (the blokes are OK though), they never grit the platforms on icy mornings and the ticket machine on platform 2 has been out of order for at least 2 weeks. This is where I have to wait for my train every morning. Luckily it's only the 2nd stop on the route, so it's very rarely late.

Chertsey



Not as dull as Addlestone. There's a cafe, a taxi office and several large companies have major offices within a 5 minute walk. The car-park used to contain several small offices (shacks really), one of which was the external location for Edward Woodward's office in the Callan TV series.

Unfortunately, there's also a shrine of flowers on platform 1 for someone who must have been killed at the station.

Further down the road are a most excellent Indian restaurant (imaginitively called, The Chertsey Restaurant) and Moore's Wine Bar, which has comedy nights each Wednesday.

Virginia Water



This is where I change (just a short stroll from platform 3 to 2) for the Reading train. The guys in the ticket office are friendly, as is the woman who sells soup and coffee in the newspaper kiosk. Up the road is a parade of shops. This is probably one of the most expensive and exclusive places to live in the country, but you wouldn't think it if you wander up to the Londis to buy some gum or a magazine.

Further up the road is the old Sanatorium, where Bill Bryson met his wife (they were both working there) and various pop videos were filmed while it was derelict in the 1980s. Also locally is the lovely Royal Holloway College (which must be one of the few London University colleges which isn't actually in London).

I went to 6th-form college in nearby Egham, so the area is like a 2nd home to me. If only in my mind.

Finally, Virginia Water is also home to Wentworth Golf Club. Venue for the world match-play championship each year and it's where I got married first-time around, back in prehistoric times.

Sunningdale



Ah. Sunningdale. Home to another championship-standard golf course and many, many big , posh houses. It's got a Mercedes dealer, a big Waitrose, and (if you're driving) a very annoying level-crossing over the A30.

For some reason, the recorded announcement on the train goes wrong here. All the stations on the line are listed by a male voice in a sober, even manner. But when you arrive here he says "this is Sunningdale" and the last syllable comes out in a surprised squeak, as if the guy doing the recording was poked with a stick at that moment.

Ascot


It's very posh indeed at Ascot. The railway station is large, with four platforms. Presumably to cope with the huge influx of people during race meetings, especially Royal Ascot. And I believe it's also an interchange with the Guildford line. Outside the station is Jagz jazz club. I like jazz, but I've never been here. Maybe I'll give it a go and report back. Change here and you can probably get a bus to Windsor and look at the castle. Probably.

Martins Heron



All I know about this place is that it's a large 1970s-looking housing estate, with one of those identikit Tesco superstores (complete with pointless clock-tower) right next to the station - also built by Tesco apparently. I keep wanting to put an apostrophe in (Martin's Heron), but there isn't one. Which doesn't make any sense to me. Most of you will have seen Martins Heron as it's the location for Harry Potter's house (where he lives with his aunt & uncle).

Bracknell



Awful photo.

Once home to the Met Office before they moved to Exeter. Which means it's a much longer commute for the guys and girls who do the weather on the BBC. It really is one of the dullest places in the world.

Wokingham



Another bad picture - taken facing into the sun. Sorry about that.

Wokingham is quite a sweet little town. The town centre is small, but the swathes of housing development swarm out for a few miles in each direction.

The railway station is at the grotty end of the district though. And as I don't ever get off here, I can't find much else to say about it.

Reading




The end of the line. Because on the day I took the photos, I ended up on the fast train from Wokingham which missed out Winnersh, Winnersh Triangle and Earley. For which you are probably thanking your own personal god as it's made this entry a good deal shorter.

So, Reading.

Home to numerous companies; the Madejski stadium, where the Royals play (formerly the Biscuitmen - a far better nickname). Site of the old Huntley & Palmers biscuit factory.

There's a lovely Victorian gothic town hall, housing a great concert venue and the museum.

And it's where I met The Wife. For which I will be eternally grateful to it. Thank you Reading.

Oh, and thanks to Delmonti for the informative notes on the photos...

Seven Songs

I've been tagged my Meljoy. So here are

Seven Songs I'm enjoying right now (well, now-ish!):

Tom Lehrer - I Hold Your Hand In Mine
Gogol Bordello - Start Wearing Purple
Radiohead - Karma Police
Genesis - Return of the Giant Hogweed
Jellyfish - The King is Half Undressed
Sex Pistols - Holiday in the Sun
Kris Kristofferson - Help Me Make It Through The Night

This is my first meme-tag thing, so I've no idea how you are supposed to tag other people. So if you're reading this - you're tagged!


I've also been tagged by Mary, so here's my list from her memes (much longer, this one):

Seven things to do before I die.
Dive with whale sharks.
Get solvent.
Eat truffles.
Direct a play professionally.
Play in a band.
Get Grand Master Bowman status at archery.
Stop breathing.

Seven things I cannot do.
Pick up a spider.
Eat tomatoes.
Spend a day without checking my email.
Listen to opera.
Watch ballet.
Touch my nose with my tongue.
Refuse a meme-tag, by the looks of it.

Seven things that attract me to my spouse/partner.
Her body.
Her sense of humour.
Her fabulous cooking.
Her patience.
Her smile.
Her musical taste.
Everything else about her.

Seven things I say most often.
Fuck.
Shit.
Dickhead.
Arse.
D'oh!
Balls.
I Love You.

Seven books (or series) I love.
Stephen King's Dark Tower series.
Michael Connelly's Harry Bosch novels.
Conan-Doyle's Sherlock Holmes stories.
Harold Pinter's The Dumb Waiter.
Spike Miligan's war memoirs.
Douglas Adams' Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy series.
Anything by Bill Bryson.

Seven movies I watch over and over.
Jaws.
Airplane!
The Shawshank Redemption.
Duck Soup.
Monty Python and the Holy Grail.
It's A Wonderful Life.
Donnie Darko.

Seven people I want to join in.
Jo.
Mum.
Dawson.
Chuckie.
Mel (this bit!).
Wilf.
Thom Yorke.

Music Was My First Love

Here are some things I've been enjoying listening to recently.

Just received my copy of Gypsy Punks: Underdog World Strike by Gogol Bordello. Heard them on Mark Radcliffe's show on Radio2 last week - they did a cracking, up-tempo version of Start Wearing Purple. They're Russian/Ukrainian/New-Yorkers and the music is a sort of punk, gypsy thing, with a bit of ska and (I think) dub thrown into the mix for good measure. Think of the bastard child of The Pogues and The Clash, via Pavement and you'll have the right idea.

And a big shout out to Nizlopi. Bought their album (Half These Songs Are About You) a few months ago when B3ta featured the fabulous JCB Song video. Now they're releasing that track as a single. Let's see if we can get it to number 1 for Xmas. Before G4, Cliff, Blue or some other pile of shite gets there.

If you can get to see any of the following guys, please do. They are all great and worth your support. The amazing, barnstorming Wob; the excellent Mike Halliwell, courtesy of our friend Matt; and the excellent but evasive Mr Love & Justice.

[Evasive because every time they have a gig somewhere handy I've already got something else on. Marcus - sort it out!]

Finally, a plug for Pandora. It doesn't appear to be fully geared-up for users outside the USA yet (how familiar is that for those of us who want to download music legally!). But it's a great little tool to use to discover new music based on your current preferences.

More blinking photos...?!?

If you're not sick of seeing photos from LWW (as we call it) yet, there's some more over at the Ottershaw Players website.

Aslan's pavilion & the stone table

Taken from the stage-manager's desk just before the start of Act 2. No flash on my phone camera, so it's a bit dark. The 'stone table' (just to left of centre) breaks apart after Aslan is killed on it - that's when I had fun with pyrotechnics!

The lamp-post in snowy Narnia.

A closer view of the lamp-post and the 'back' of the wardrobe, through which the four children emerge into Narnia.

Set for Tumnus' house

A close-up of Mr Tumnus' house - with lots of fake food on the table.

Narnia in the snow

This is the 2nd scene in Act 1. Narnia.
With the wardrobe's back at the left, Mr Tumnus' house on the right and drifts of snow everywhere.

The opening scene in our play.

Oops! That came out a bit blurry. Bloody camera phones.

Set-building at Rhoda McGaw

Constructing the set for our production of The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe.

Performance times and box office details here.

RIP Bestie

Yes, he spent the last 30 years trying to live up to his first 29, but I don't care.

George Best was the greatest footballer this country has produced and one of my regrets is that I'm not old enough to have seen him play.

Don't sully the memories with the stupid things he did. Just remember what a genius he was on the football pitch.

Manchester United - The Official George Best Story [2001]

Master of my Domain

The Soup Nazi, Moops, Mulva, Festivus, The Opposite, Bizarro Jerry.

If you don't know what I'm on about, you're probably not acquainted with Seinfeld. And if you're not now, you never will be, but you should...

The latest box-set of the original series (seasons 5 & 6) is released on November 28th (in the UK). My copy has been on order for, ooh, months now and can't wait to get my hands on it.

The quality of extras on the whole series has been exceptional - the BBC could learn a lot. Their own shoddy release of Fawlty Towers, in particular, was most disappointing.

But, the top-notch writing and performance of Seinfeld blows Fawlty Towers away. Cleese and Booth's masterpiece is often regarded as the best British sitcom ever (I would disagree - Porridge stands the test of time far better) but Seinfeld is consistently rated, by fans and comedians alike, as probably the best sitcom ever made.

The adventures of Jerry, Elaine, George and Kramer were treated disgracefully by the BBC, who used to run it around midnight (though never at exectly the same time twice) on BBC2, when it deserved a prime-time run.

If memory serves, Seinfeld was usually followed by The Larry Sanders Show - almost as good, but still miles better than My Family, My Hero, Blessed, 2.4 Children, The Worst Week Of My Life, or any of the other anodyne pap that passes for comedy on the BBC [Lord Ricky Gervais - the honourable exception, except for Politics, which is arse].

Thank God for ITV4 (for God's sake) who are currently repeating Garry Shandling's masterpiece. Now - anyone prepared to re-run the fantastic, but never repeated It's Garry Shandling's Show?

Do yourself a favour and get Seinfeld here:



Also:

Seinfeld: Season 4
Seinfeld: Seasons 1 - 3

Tick Tock

There aren't enough hours in the day. Honest, there aren't. Or do I just over-commit myself to things? No, I don't think I do. I have done in the past, but I've learned my lesson.

Nevertheless, this week is (and has been) very busy.

Sunday: Stripping paint from the bathroom walls. Install Office and Publisher on the new PC. Wardrobe rehearsal. Chat about Habeas Corpus in the pub.
Monday: Work. Copying data/documents/setting, etc, from my two old PCs to the new one. Moved sound and vid-cap cards from old PC to new. Installed the relevant software. Decommissioned one of the old PCs.
Tuesday: Work from home. Finish copying data from the other old PC. Can't decommission it yet as The Wife needs AutoCAD and her documents, which aren't on the new PC yet. Move printer, scanner, webcam, Bluetooth, USB hub over to the new PC. Start plastering over the holes in the bathroom. Watch United fail to beat someone in Europe, again. Keep checking progress of a work-related job I'm running, except the broadband connection goes off and stays off between 9pm and 1am.
Today: Log into work from home (broadband's back in action) to check my job ran OK. Off to work. Spend time blogging at lunchtime. This evening I have an appointment at my chiropractor. Also off to a meeting about the rejuvenation of Brook Hall.
Thursday: Work. Get the bathroom as close to finished as I possibly can - more plastering, sanding and (if possible) undercoating - because the In-Laws are coming over on Friday. At the same time, keep an eye on another job I need to do for a customer. Pray that broadband doesn't go pear-shaped again. Change the sheets on the bed.
Friday: Work. Home for dinner with The Wife and her marvellous Parents. Give Bill his present. Put up the In-Laws in our room - we're setting up camp in the living room. Plan to rob a bank so I can afford a decent place to live.
Saturday: Not enough sleep! No work (hooray!). Carry on painting the bathroom - with any luck I should finish today. Dinner in Woking, probably. Off to the theatre to see One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest with The Wife, the In-Laws and Delmonti.
Sunday: To the Ottershaw Players Hut at 9:30am (when?!) to start loading the set in the van. Then to the theatre by 11:30am to take the keys and get hand-over from the theatre's get-in team. From 12:00, unload everything, start building the set. Finish off around 10:59pm when they come to throw us out.

Next Week on Now What Happens?:

Monday - Sunday: Work/Theatre/Bed. Repeat until knackered. Realise it's still only Friday - there's still two shows to do on Saturday and a get-out on Sunday.

Blogging may start getting sparse for the next 10 days. I usually post from work, but I'll be using my office time for sleeping...

Pinhole Cameras

If you like B3ta, you might like this.

Found Photographer has built a medium-format camera and a 35mm camera out of Lego. You can see some of the pictures he too with them at his Flickr site. Pinhole cameras can take very moody images, I think you'll agree.

Do Drop By

You know I hate to big myself up (whatever THAT means!), but I'd just like to say that I recently discovered that, for the very first time, I've been BlogRolled by someone whos isn't a friend, acquaintance or member of my family.

So - many thanks to the lovely Mary B - who surely can't be old enough to have a 22 year-old daughter.

I also urge you to check out her Wildgoose Chase - the story of an 'ordinary' British soldier through the First and Second World Wars. I've only had a chance to dip in so far; but I'm sure that I'm going to have to spend one Saturday (or a quiet day in the office) reading the whole lot from the beginning.

Update: Oh, Lordy. I think I've started an international incident! Please, please do visit the punky, funky, spunky (in an American way) Mel Joy who was definitely my first international reader, even if she hadn't sorted out her BlogRoll before today (due to Mr Bush's evil foreign policies)...

Bad Santa

In the run-up to Christmas (note: not "The Holidays" as some idiots keep calling it), I can recommend a lovely, heart-warming, fluffy film called "Bad Santa".

It stars Billy-Bob Thornton as a con-man, thief and alocoholic who unwittingly befriends a small boy. It has swearing, dwarves, swearing, violence, booze and a very odd child - everything that the modern-day cynic could ever want in a Christmas film.

I suggest you should buy it now - it's awfully good:



Alternatively, sign-up for Amazon.co.uk's rental service:



And, as the lovely Mel recommends it, here's the unrated "Badder Santa":



NB: If you're outside the USA, this is a region-1, NTSC DVD, so make sure you've got a multi-region DVD player and an NTSC-capable TV!

Dreams

Nothing is more boring than listening to other peoples' dreams. But that's tough 'cos I had an odd dream last night and I'm going to tell you about it.

I was at a friend's funeral. Not sure whose, but he was a good friend. I was sitting in the pew when I noticed my friend Jon standing in a tiered-stand at the side of the church.

"That's a good idea", I thought, "we're his best mates. That's where we should stand". So I went and stood next to Jon.

That's when I noticed I was stark-bollock naked. If you know me, you'll know that's not a good thing.

[Although, as I looked down at my dream-self, I was less fat and hairy than the real me. Quite buff, in fact. I only needed the one hand to preserve my modesty though - dammit!]

Then all my other friends (back from university days) turned up to stand with me - including Fil who died earlier this year.

Now, I only mention this dream because of something that happened the other night. The Wife woke up to find me standing in the bedroom doorway. Again, I was stark-bollock naked. It seems I asked her why she hadn't woken me up. She calmly explained that as it was only 4am, it was a little early for work. She then asked what I was doing and I said:

"I'm standing here so everyone can see me". Or words to that effect.

After that, I went back to bed.

As far as I know, I've never sleep-walked (slept-walked?) before. But I do know I really don't have any secret exhibitionist tendencies.

New Blog

Obviously, I'm going to be devoting quite a bit of time to directing Habeas Corpus soon. So I've created a dedicated blog to it here. It's also in my BlogRoll in the sidebar.

Update: In order to placate Delmonti, I'm going to try to avoid any spoilers in the new blog.

Update. Hmmm... Dates!

OK, Mr Delmonti, you're quite right - I have been very remiss in my blogging frequency lately.

[It doesn't help that I feel I can't compete with his humourous, yet moving entries.]

A few days ago, I asked my readership to give their opinion on which play Ottershaw Players should do next June. By an overwhelming majority of 2 to 1 (that's number of votes - not a ratio!) you voted for Habeas Corpus by Alan Bennett.

Luckily, the play-reading committee agreed with you - so that's the play I will be directing next year. Which actually means that I need to start working out a timetable and talking to my chosen set-designer, erm, now!

In the meantime, we're putting on The Lion The Witch And The Wardrobe. Come along and bring the kids to see it.

I'm stage-manager; which means I'm in charge of everything from the technical rehearsal onwards (in about two weeks time). I thought I'd enjoy the job, but I haven't, very much. Things will probably change in the production week when I'll be ridiculously busy (which is what I like), but at the moment, I get a little bored with "running the book" and organising bits and pieces. I feel a bit hypocritical because, when I was last directing, I would have killed to have someone doing the job I'm doing now!

It doesn't help that I've missed more rehearsals that I'd like. I've had a stinker of a cold for the past 3 days which means I missed yesterday's run-through.

The next big task is convincing my work colleagues that they won't mind me working form home for the production week. I don't know how I'm going to get to the theatre in time otherwise...

Fruit Flies Like A Banana

Golly gosh! It's the 10th of November already, and I haven't posted here for simply yonks. I do have an excuse - for half the time, anyway. I was away working in Liverpool.

It's a very nice place. Currently lots of rebuilding going on (presumably for when the city becomes the European Capital of Culture in 2008.

The city is certainly smaller than I expected. And about as rainy as I expected. It was only the awful weather that prevented The Wife and I from exploring more fully.

Bad timing, and a lack of space in the hotel's restaurant meant that we missed the Mersey fireworks spectacular. We didn't see many of the fireworks (except for this one), but we certainly heard them.

The fireworks display meant that the city centre was practically desserted on Saturday night, which gave us the chance to grab a table at Piccolino on Cook Street.

A bit pricey (for my wallet) at around £90 for the two of us, but it was worth every penny and the meal jumped straight into the top 5 that we've ever had.


Where to avoid: The Tate in Albert Dock. Full of modern 'art', 95% of which is pretentious bollocks.

Where to go: The Walker Gallery. Marvellous 'proper' paintings from down the ages. Even if they do have a propensity for displaying pictures of the Virgin Mary getting her boobs out.

The Man on the Clapped-Out Omnibus

So, our "government" is thinking about banning drinking on buses and trains.

Why?

I'm not a big public drinker myself. I prefer a foaming pint of warm, nutty ale, hand-pulled from a pump, in a snug bar with horse-brasses on the wall. Served, preferrably, by an attractive barmaid, with large breasts in a low-cut t-shirt. "Will there be anything else, Sir?", she asks, as she leans over and licks her lips. "Perhaps I could tempt you to a quick nibble?"...

Ahem!

Errr... Where was I?

Oh, yes, drinking on public transport.

I'm not sure what the problem is. Presumably some of Tony Blair's blue-rinsed brigade have complained about "anti-social behaviour" (forget poverty/disease/homelessness, etc - wiping out bad manners is what really counts to our so-called superiors).

So rather than use existing rules, regulations and laws to simply boot people off of trains and buses if they get drunk and make a nuisance of themselves, we turn, instead, to preventing ordinary law-abiding folk from having one or two cans of over-priced beer (or a small bottle of wine) from the buffet car while they have to stand while making the 4 or 5 hour journey from London to Birmingham (via Inverness, due to track works at Exeter).

That's the UK government. Thinking of our health and well-being once more.

In the meantime, they can't even ban smoking in ANY public places.

I used to smoke. I gave up 18 months ago. But even when I was a smoker, I still supported a ban on public smoking. Because smoking harms others.

I defend anyone's right to harm themselves with booze, smoke, drugs, bungee-jumping or teasing large dogs. As long as you pay your National Insurance, you've paid for doctors to try to make you better again. But if it harms other people, we should stop it.

So, well done Tony. Banning drinking the odd can on a bus or train - which doesn't harm anyone; while lacking the balls/backbone to ban smoking in pubs or restaurants - which probably kills several thousand people each year.

Doesn't it make you proud?

South Park Pete

A self-portrait. Built using the quite wonderful South Park Studio.

Thanks to The Recruiting Officer for the link.

Playaway!

To the Ottershaw Players committee meeting last night.

We had the bright idea of combining the meeting with our semi-regular committee dinner, but it didn't quite work out as it was impossible to hear from anyone more than 3 feet away. So we have to do it all again next week instead.

At the moment we're pondering on what plays to schedule for the next year or so.

Some feedback from ordinary members of the public would be useful - but in the absence of anyone ordinary, the readers of this blog will have to do.

So - of the plays below which one are you more likely to want to go and see (if you don't like the theatre, pretend you're being forced to go at gunpoint...). The idea is, we'd like to find out which play would find the biggest audience, so if you're a thespian-type, think of which you'd rather see, not the one you'd want to perform.

The plays are:

1. An Evening with Gary Lineker - Modern comedy about relationships and football, with swearing.
2. Habeas Corpus - A 1970's farce (of sorts) by Alan Bennett. No swearing. Ladies in underwear and vicars with trousers falling down.
3. Twelfth Night - Mr William Shakespeare's comedy of cross-dressing and stuff.
4. The Importance of Being Earnest - Oscar Wilde's play about a man pretending to be someone else. Lavish costumes. Old ladies saying "A handbag".

Please add your vote in a comment by following the linko below...

Stress Kills

Last night we went to Teddington Studios to watch filming of the second episode of Graham Linehan's new sitcom for Channel4.

It's called "The I.T. Crowd" and is set in the IT department of a large office building.

The odd thing is, that even after 2.5 hours of watching the show, I'm still not sure how funny it was:

The problem is that you watch a scene and laugh along - but you're used to watching at home and not necessarily laughing out loud, so the warm-up man has to tell you to laugh more loudly, and they show you the same piece of VT again and you try to laugh more, but you want to laugh less because you know what's coming and actually, it wasn't really laugh-out-loud funny all the time anyway; don't get me wrong, I really enjoyed it and will probably watch the whole series...

Where was I?

Oh, yes. It's VERY difficult to make yourself laugh over and over when you are seeing something done for the 5th or 6th time. The final scene was a long and complicated take. No jokes, as such, more physical stuff and sight gags.

Anyway, the cast were excellent. Richard Ayoade was very good indeed. Chris Morris was guest-starring in the episode we saw. He's very tall. And intense.

So, yes. Right. As I said, there were definitely some good moments in this and I'll be giving it a go when it's shown on C4 (sometime in 2006, we're told).

Woking Drama Festival - Saturday 15th October - Recall and Award Night

It's the last night of the festival. I've managed to see five out of the nine nights of competition evenings. That's 14 out of 25 one-act plays in total.

Overall, it's been well worth attending. The good, bad and indifferent have just about balanced out, and I think one learns as much from seeing a bad production (how NOT to do things) as from a good one.

Tonight is purely about entertainment. The festival adjudicator chose 3 plays which, in his opinion, will entertain the audience. Usually, the recalled plays perform better than on the competition night. Less pressure, of course.

So, here are the plays we saw this evening:

Woking College Theatre Company - The Perfect Present by Tarek Merchant.

See previous entry for a review.

Theatre 64 - 412 Letters by Matthew Wilkie

Two women analyze their relationship through the letters written by one of them.

The only play tonight I hadn't managed to see, but it's a belter. Marvellous charecterisations of the nervy, chain-smoking would-be writer and her ex-girlfriend, a more casual, marketing manager. I'd have given the 'Best Actress' gong to the girl who played Charlotte - but they won 3 awards anyway!

Matthew Wilkie has won Best Original Play before. This proves what a talented writer and director he is. If this play isn't published and performed professionally one day, I'd be very surprised indeed.

Lighted Fools Theatre Company - Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell (Act 2) by Keith Waterhouse

See previous entry for a review.

And after the entertainment comes the real serious business. The awards! They are listed on the drama festival web-site. Unfortunately, Ottershaw Players didn't win anything, but two of our actors, Tim Matthews and Michael Stainer, were nominated for Best Actor and Best Youth Actor respectively.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional theatre critic or a qualified drama adjudicator. I'm biased in favour of stuff that isn't dull. Sorry if my opinions offend you - it's nothing personal!

Woking Drama Festival - Thursday 13th October

Park Players - Weasel by Tom Collingwood.

When a police inspector's wife is murdered, Eddie 'Weasel' Francton is brought in for questioning.

Another new play, I believe. And the play was OK, but a bit like an episode of The Bill. Something wasn't quite right though. I just wasn't convinced by the acting. And the plot was completely implausible!


Guildburys - Bar and Ger by Geraldine Aron.

Scenes from a brother and sister's life as they grow up together.

This was very good indeed. A companion piece to A Galway Girl (reviewed earlier), I believe, though neither group knew about the other's entry. The play consisted of many, very short scenes (some only 1 or 2 lines) illustrating Barry and Geraldine's life together as they grew up. A very good, controlled performance from the actor playing Barry - who had to age from 11 year up to 17 or 18. But the girl playing Ger was fantastic. Excellent expressions and physicality. The direction was impeccable too. Glad I saw this.


Fairlands Players - A Model Husband by Phil Ellis.

A comedy about a dull husband and his frustrated wife.

Could have missed this one though! The play was actually quite good, but it wasn't very well directed. The 'shock' ending was telegraphed a mile away. The actress playing the wife was the best part of this piece. The less said about the women on the telephone, the better...


Disclaimer: I'm not a professional theatre critic or a qualified drama adjudicator. I'm biased in favour of stuff that isn't dull. Sorry if my opinions offend you - it's nothing personal!

Woking Drama Festival - Tuesday 11th October

Surrey Heath Young Actors Company - Die Superkinder by Steve Hyett.

A group of children are held captive by sinister forces. But why?

Why indeed. After watching this play - I don't really care one way or the other. This was the worst thing I think I've ever seen on stage. OK, it's kids acting. But I've seen other plays where the kids actually made some effort at putting some feeling into their voices rather than simply intoning their lines, as this lot did. And the direction was awful. 20, or so, kids ranged in a semi-circle, stepping forward to deliver their words, then stepping back again. This was worse than a primary school Nativity play.

Runnymede Drama Group - Happy Birthday Dear President or Who Killed Norma Jean? by Nick Bird.

What if Jackie Bouvier Kennedy killed Marilyn Monroe?

Again, as with the previous one, who cares?! RDG are usually pretty good, but this was a dull load of nonsense. Seems that plenty of people in the audience (including the adjudicator) thought this was 'gripping'. But, the adjudicator did wonder if it was just as interesting to people who weren't born when the events happened. Answer - no it wasn't. Not interesting at all.

It didn't help that some of the actors' moves seemed a bit stilted. And the idea of having a Chorus simply stopped all the momentum every time it was built up.

Sorry, but I'm afraid this was the only evening of the festival on which there was nothing worth seeing.


Disclaimer: I'm not a professional theatre critic or a qualified drama adjudicator. I'm biased in favour of stuff that isn't dull. Sorry if my opinions offend you - it's nothing personal!

Stuck on the M3 for nearly an hour.

Actually, it turned out more like an hour and 40 minutes. And after that, the nightmare of negotiating the A30...

A 3 hour journey to work - 50 miles away. Usually it takes me just under an hour...

God - I need another job, nearer to home. Any offers?

Page to Stage

Big Dave made a comment on a recent post. I was replying to the comment when I realised I was rambling on a bit and that this should really be a post to itself.

So, here's the answer (in my rambling opinion):

I think the writer contributes about 80% of what the audience experiences in a play.

It's the director's job to ensure that what the writer intended is conveyed successfully to the audience.

Now, the director can make decisions about the look of the play (lighting; furniture; set; costumes) with his prduction staff, and can determine the pace it's played at. But the fundamental 'message' of the play is all the writer's.

Bad direction can easily ruin a good play, and a bad play can be improved somewhat by a good director. That said, if a director is putting his/her own agenda on top of the writer's intentions, they're not doing their job properly.

It's interesting that Dave uses the word 'vacant'. An unperformed play is simply an intention to make some point or other. It's not until the work is actually in rehearsal that it comes alive and hidden depths are found (sometimes, depths that the play's writer was unaware of).

The challenge, and the excitement, of bringing a play to the stage, is to make it accessible and exciting for an audience, without losing the playwright's underlying message - however deep or trivial that message might be!

Woking Drama Festival - Saturday 8th October

Wessex Youth Theatre - Shakers Re-Stirred (Act 1) by John Godber & Jane Thornton.

Four cocktail waitresses tell their stories and those of their customers.

John Godber's plays are usually fun and this one is no exception. As usual, the small cast of four gets to play the main characters (waitresses in a cocktail bar) and also the people who frequent the establishment (fat, drunk businessmen; adulterous couples; girls on a hen night).

The young actresses differentiated their characters well, although I think they could have roughened their accents a little when playing the waitresses.

As the adjudicator pointed out, reducing the size of the staging could have made the production even more pacy and punchy than it was.

Overall, a good start to the evening's entertainment.

Woking College Theatre Company - The Perfect Present by Tarek Merchant.

A poor woman, in 1920s America looks for a Christmas present for her husband. Based upon an O.Henry story.

This was absolutely fantastic! The play was like a mini-operetta. Narrated by an actor playing O.Henry, but with all the actors playing various musical instruments (flutes, pianos, xylophones, basoon, double bass, violin, viola) as well as singing and acting.

The musical score was quite modernist and after hearing a few bars I thought it would be difficult to listen to - but as we were all swept away by the music, those worries disappeared.

Mr Merchant (who wrote the words and music, narrated, and played at least 4 instruments) is obviously a very talented man. His acting/narrating style was very natural and he has an impeccable American accent. And he only looks to be around 20 years old. If he doesn't go on to much bigger things, I'd be very surprised.

All those involved were excellent and they provided a wonderful 50 or 60 minutes of entertainment that I shall not forget in a very long time.

Chameleon Theatre Company - Galway Girl by Geraldine Aron.

An Irish couple tell the story of their marriage.

This was a decent enough 2-hander. A little static, I thought, but it would be difficult to get much more movement into the piece.

The musical 'interludes' were very distracting though. And the actors' accents seemed to wander into Ulster a little too often - rather than staying in Galway and Dublin where they were supposed to be.

That said, the acting was fine and I believed the love, regret, pain and happiness in the relationship which was being described.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional theatre critic or a qualified drama adjudicator. I'm biased in favour of stuff that isn't dull. Sorry if my opinions offend you - it's nothing personal!

Woking Drama Festival - Friday 7th October

Ottershaw Players - Auras by Suzannah Zerfahs.

A group of people meet in a formless limbo. Their past and present actions will decide their fates.

This is a difficult one for me to comment upon. As a member of the group, I read this play before it was even cast.

I found the character of 'Yellow' a little superfluous. Necessary to drive the plot forward, but she didn't seem to have a good enough reason to be in that place as some of the others.

I also felt that the first, prologue scene was unnecessary - the audience were able to understand the characters and why they were dressed in their colours without that.

The adjudicator pointed out, fairly I think, that the action was a bit too confined to the front of the stage.

Tim Matthews gave an excellent performance as 'Red' and Nicky Breslin was very good as 'White'. Michael Stainer's 'Blue' was OK, but I think Mike needs to work on his diction. Claire Groom did what she could with 'Yellow', subject to my reservations about the character.

Overall, the direction was imaginitive though. Certainly 100% better than MY first attempt!

Lighted Fools Theatre Company - Jeffrey Bernard is Unwell (Act 2) by Keith Waterhouse

The famous writer mulls over his life and tells anecdotes while he is locked in his local Soho pub overnight.

Fantastic! It's a marvellous play anyway and this team of five actors put together a superb show.

The actor playing 'Jeff' put in a bravura performance. The audience were eating out of his hand from the moment the curtain opened. And the supporting cast showed their characterisations with an immediacy that was fun to watch.

Certainly one of my two favourite pieces at the time of writing.

Another Theatre Company - 4.48 Psychosis by Sarah Kane.

A young, female writer goes mad and kills herself.

Well. It was an imaginitive enough effort at presenting this item. The three female cast members were certainly committed to the production. Not sure I quite believed the two male performers though.

However. It's a terrible piece of writing. Or rather, it's a piece of writing that really shouldn't be shown as theatre.

Sarah Kane was very ill and wrote what she felt. The writing wasn't published. Then a few months later she topped herself. And since then it's been made available.

I think that this is the very personal outpourings of a very troubled young mind and any attempts to try to portray this in a theatrical setting are ultimately misguided and patronising (to Ms Kane).

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional theatre critic or a qualified drama adjudicator. I'm biased in favour of stuff that isn't dull. Sorry if my opinions offend you - it's nothing personal!

Woking Drama Festival - Tuesday 4th October

Thurrock Courts Players - Christmas Presence by David Hampshire.

A sick, absent father visits his daughter on Christmas Eve. She thinks he's coming home; but is he?

Sorry, but I'm afraid I found this play quite tiresome. Not the best material. Saw the 'twist' ending coming from too far off.

And the bloke playing the philandering father - a doctor who's been cheating on his wife for the past 30 years - sorry, but the casting wasn't right. He was just too camp!

And the annoying little girl. Only 3 lines to deliver and she nearly forgot 2 of them. Argh!

Nice setting though.

Runnymede Drama Group Youth Workshop - Interview by Jean-Claude van Italie.

This was much better. A very imaginitive piece about communication and dehumanization, ostensibly in 1960s America.

Well directed by Jane Walters with effective use of simple props (four door frames and four wooden blocks - all white).

A young cast who snapped into myriad characters quickly and effectively. Superb use of mime.

I'd pay to see this one again.

Salesian College Theatre Company - Romeo and Juliet Go To Essex by Vicki Grace.

Shakespeare's tale, translated to modern day "Essex" (supposedly).

Again - a duff one for me, I'm afraid. OK, many of the cast got into character alright. But as the characters were modern 'chav' types, I'm not 100% sure if it was that much of a stretch!

The author is only 17, so kudos to her for that. And the cast (and a big chunk of the audience) were having great fun. But the whole play was more suited to a revue or end-of-term concert than a drama festival.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional theatre critic or a qualified drama adjudicator. I'm biased in favour of stuff that isn't dull. Sorry if my opinions offend you - it's nothing personal.

Woking Drama Festival 2005

Ottershaw Players have entered a play, as usual, into the Woking Drama Festival this year. It's one of the largest one-act play festivals in the country.

Usually I go to the night that we are on and the last night to see the recalls (those plays judged by the adjudicator to be a good evening's entertainment).

But this year, I'm trying to go to as many nights as possible. Four so far. And possibly another 3 to come.

So, over the next few days I'll post my impressions of the plays I've seen.

Disclaimer: I'm not a professional theatre critic or a qualified drama adjudicator. I'm biased in favour of stuff that isn't dull. Sorry if my opinions offend you - it's nothing personal!

Tipping the Double Velvet

Why do we tip the bloke in the toilet who hands us a paper towel?

It intrigues me because The Wife used to do that job, in Planet Hollywood, many years ago - before she was lucky enough to meet me.

It makes a little more sense for the ladies loos. They all have to queue up anyway, so it's nice to have someone in their to make sure they're all pampered (spruced-up, I mean, not wearing nappies).

But when I go for a slash, it's a quick jimmy, then rinse the hands, grab a paper towel and I'm done. Having a bloke standing there handing me a towel saves me, what, 5 seconds out of a 1 minute visit? It's not enough of a service to justify giving the chap a tip.

And invariably, they only hand you one paper towel. I don't know about you, but one of those is definitely not sufficient. It's turned into a paper mush in seconds. So you have to ask the guy for a few more. But he only hands you one, because he's overly protective of his paper towel stash.

I've just remembered. I was in some bar once and they didn't have paper towels. The toilet attendant's job was to push the big, silver button on the hot-air hand-drying machine (you know, the one that doesn't get your hands dry even if you stand there for an hour).

I CAN PUSH THE BIG SILVER BUTTON MYSELF!

And no. You're not getting a tip.

And just so we know where we stand - here's my list of other people who I don't believe should be tipped.

Bar Staff
Hairdressers/Barbers (have you noticed, it's really only women who tip at the hairdressers, despite the fact that they've been conned into paying more for haircuts than men anyway.)
Hotel Maids (they get free soap and towels - I don't!)

Otherwise, it's the thin end of the wedge!